Thursday, January 26, 2006

for the ladies...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting
do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...


A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies,
"I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower,
"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said -
That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!


Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Winter Classes For Men At The Learning Center For Adults


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

March 8, 1928 - January 10, 2006

My dad passed away on January 10th following a long battle with cancer. After first being diagnosed back in 1969 with jaw cancer, followed by a bout with colon cancer in 1996 and frequent bouts of skin cancer, we discovered last October that he was in the advanced stages of colon cancer (something the cancer tests never detected? WTF good are they?). We brought him home and he was there until his last breath. Towards the end he could only drink small sips of water which was so sad for someone who loved to eat as good as he did throughout his life (esp lobster). I was in a daze throughout the viewing and the funeral service and I still feel stunned although we were expecting it. Since I lost my mom in 1999 I am now a 37 year old orphan. Luckily I have my sisters and brother and my two wonderful daughters to comfort me, but I still feel very small and alone in the universe. I told my sister that I feel as though I should be a grown up now, but I don't want to be. She said "you don't have to be".
Thanks for all your warm words, I will be back soon.