Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Life According to Cartman

Received part of my order today from (remember I won that $100 certificate a few days back?) I wisely spent part of that moolah on this real cool glass. It has a selection of great Cartman quotes on the back, as follows:
  • Screw you guys
  • Holy Crap, You Guys!
  • Is this cool or not? I can't tell.
  • Yes, the fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits.
  • So we won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers?
  • Oh, that's so immature.
  • Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!
  • So, who put his hoo hoo dilly in your cha-cha?
  • Dude! You....You Don't just chop off someone's fireman!!
  • Lucky for us my Mom is a total lush.
  • I wasn't sleeping. I was just thinking really hard.
  • Somebody's bakin' brownies.
  • After I'm on television I'm gonna be totally famous.
  • Cartoons kick ass.
  • I love your salty, chocolate balls, Chef.
  • Oh Kick ASS. I wanna have a bris.
  • Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
  • Lying kicks ass!
  • I am so pissed off right now.
  • Nobody is splicing nothing from Fluffy.
  • They didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!
  • Ok, that does it. Screw this, I'm going home!
  • Respect my authority!
  • Get your ass to jail!
  • I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
  • Dude, weak, man!
  • Stop calling me piggy!
  • I'm not fat, I'm big-boned.
  • I only know how to do it doggy-style.
  • Yeah, Yeah, do you like to rock?!
  • I am the toothfairy, my child.
  • They are safely concealed in the depths of my ass.
  • I suppose your ass smells like a spring morning.
  • I want my Mommy!
  • Kyle's Mom is a bitch.
  • Kick Ass!
  • SWEET.


My alarm goes off every morning at 6:30. I hit snooze and then at 6:48 it comes back on, and I listen to Bob & Sherri talk about the "morons of the day". It is often hilarious. Today it was just crazy. A man found it difficult to remove his contact lenses, so he kept them on for a YEAR. He applied drops to his eyes frequently. (duh) When his vision started failing, he decided to put in ANOTHER pair of contact lenses. When it continued to worse, he put in a THIRD pair of contacts.
I wear contacts, they are daily disposables, and round about 10pm or so, my eyes are KILLING me and I have to remove them. How on earth could someone wear them for a YEAR????
Well when the man finally went to the eye doctor, the lenses had GROWN INTO his eyes and had to be surgically removed. OMG. Moral of this story: remove your damn contacts.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

New York is full of such interesting people
I go there whenever I need a laugh.

the demise of the kitty hammock

Here is Buttons lying in his kitty hammock. It was his favorite place to sleep. In fact he had used it so much that it had holes in it as big as his head. Sometimes he would stick his paw through and I would get underneath the hammock and we would have paw fights. Well it got so bad, I covered it with the soft red blanket you see in the pic so he wouldnt fall through it. Well Saturday morning Buttons and his mommy decided to both leap into the hammock at the same time. Apparently it wasn't strong enough for that as it fell and both cats came crashing down with the hammock, knocking over a basket of clothes and my entire collection of Lush products (my precious). Both cats went running out of my bedroom and wouldn't come back for hours. I attempted to re-attach it to the window, but it was no use. It looks as though it was hooked onto the window with velcro and then it has supports underneath that are against the wall. (My ex installed it.) So, I ordered some INDUSTRIAL strength Velcro in the hopes of fixing should come today. Poor Buttons has been walking around whining, and has been forced to sleep in the floor, or worse yet the bathtub. This morning I saw him lying on my pajamas next to the beloved kitty hammock. Poor baby. (yes he is spoiled) And can you believe they no longer make the kitty hammock? I searched in vain for months trying to find a cover for it and apparently the company went out of business. :-(

Monday, January 29, 2007


I dyed my head,
it's much too red,
I wish I had just stayed in bed.
Instead I decided to do a chore
and wind up looking like a whore.
Never, ever, again I shall
buy Preference by L'oreal.
So on my face I wear a frown
cause I look like bozo the freakin clown.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I feel like crap

But before I go lie back down, I thought I should post something today so that damn poem isn't on the top of my blog. For those of you with partners, here is a handy guide to "that time of the month."

Hormone Hostage!

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!


What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some chocolate.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown![
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some chocolate

What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some chocolate.

Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Here, have some chocolate.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Midsection

5 People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

And my favorite one:

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Friday, January 26, 2007


If we passed each other on the street
would you avert your eyes
and look at the ground in shame?
or would you hold your head high
pretending you never knew me...
would you confront me
and call me a bitch?
or would you smile at me
remembering the private moments
between us,
comical or intimate...the ones
you don't share with her.
or would you look into my eyes
and ask for my forgiveness...
Perhaps we'll never know.
The path we once shared
diverged on that day.
Two lives now separate, distant...
Lovers who once lay
in each other's arms,
now strangers.
Alone I slide into my cool soft sheets
where dreams await...
soaring through skies of blue....
past oceans of tears I have shed.
I feel a stirring inside my soul
and I look toward the sun.

ooooh bitching & moaning pay off

comedy central win

I'm off to to spend it!! woot!

cupid can kiss my ass

I am being bombarded with emails from companies trying to get me to purchase items for my "sweetie". Well I have no "sweetie" and if I did, I certainly wouldn't buy him a stuffed teddy bear with a red heart attached to his paw. How gay is that. It enrages me to receive these emails unsolicited. And yet I am forced to endure them day after day. And if I see one more myspace profile pic of people kissing, I will SPEW on my keyboard.
It doesn't help matters that, in my optimistic past I envisioned a Valentine's Day Wedding, or that 5 days after V-Day I will turn 39. Why don't I just shoot myself in the head now and spare myself the misery. God I will be glad when February's over.
Maybe I should just send myself some flowers when I order something for my girls. Maybe if I order them now, I will forget they are actually from me and be excited when they arrive. Right.
*sigh* Believe it or not, underneath my crusty bitchy exterior beats a heart that wants to be loved....yeah its been trampled and kicked and broken in half but its still ticking, and that means it still works.
Right now all I want is someone to cuddle with on Sunday mornings and watch the food network with. Buttons isn't a cuddler, and his nose is ice cold...otherwise I would marry him.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Roto-rooter pimped-out john sweepstakes

OK this has to be one of the funniest prizes I have ever seen. Here is the link.
Toilet with seat warmer, 20-inch LCD television, gaming system, DVD player, laptop computer, MP3 player, refrigerator, digital video recorder (ARV $5,000). You never have to leave the toilet, EVER! This can be entered daily and ends on April 2, 2007. Good luck! lol
(note- the sweepstakes entry page won't work in firefox for some reason but worked fine in Int. Explorer)

Where does one apply???

Jake looking for good woman to bear his children. See full article here.

bubbles and books

Fun link for the day: (never hurts to think ahead)
How to share your obituary with your online friends, after you die. Too bad emails can't be forwarded. Just think how guilty you would feel if you left a ton of comments berating me for not posting, not knowing I was trapped in a jar somewhere.

I just purchased a bunch of books on eBay by Janet Evanovich (The Stephanie Plum series). I really need to start reading again (mostly for brain stimulation, as mine seems to be perpetually lethargic these days) and I had read a review yesterday in which a lady credited the books with changing her life. Now I don't know about that, I just want a little entertainment, and I have heard they are hilarious. Sucks if I don't like them since I just bought ELEVEN of the books. "But I got a good deal!" (my standard eBay excuse).

Still waiting on the big win, so far this week I have won a coupon for a tv dinner (blech) and a children's book. Wow, huh?

Met some guy online last night with the nickname Captain. I was wary as this is the ex's nickname (Captain Stiffie hardy har har) but it is definitely not him. This guy claims to be an actual boat captain but knowing my luck, he has a little dingy that will fit into a pickup bed and a hat someone gave him as a joke. He also claims to visit Beaufort frequently. Why would someone want to do that?? *red flags*.

I bathed last night using "christmas party" bath bomb from Lush. If you are ever in a festive mood and want to be covered head to toe with sparkly bits of paper and little stars, I highly recommend it. It smells of citrus and combined nicely with the "hot milk?" bubble bar (both leave the water an orangey color). I only used half of the bubble bar but ended up with bubbles so high I couldn't even see my 6 yr old when she joined me in the tub. I slept like a baby, but kept dreaming that people were breaking into my bedroom to use the bathroom and I couldn't move. Wonder what that means.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

dry spell

No I'm not talking about sex. I enter sweeps as a hobby and after the breakup I quit for nearly 3 weeks because my heart just wasn't in it and also I did not want to get on the computer because I was tempted to read stuff at livejournal that was posted for the sole purpose of hurting me. So I quit entering sweeps and did not use my computer at home for 3 weeks...only getting online at work during the day. I figured since he lied and cheated that karma would come back around and maybe I would have a big win to inspire me once again. (Hey it happened before- ie trip to vegas) but no such luck. I have been having a dry spell ever since the breakup. The only things I have won are a t-shirt and a bottle of joint lubricating supplements. The past week and a half, I REALLY started entering again, doing mail ins and dailies with a vengeance, hoping to win a big cash prize, another trip, or a vehicle for Lauren. Sometimes when my friends get online and bitch and moan about their dry spells... woolah they get a big win. So here I am, bitching and moaning. Now I shall await the phone call.
Good luck to all my fellow sweepers out there....and the non sweepers who are my friends...
and in case you were wondering, I haven't been back to the enemies' livejournals since mid december, and I have no desire to, at all. Sticks and stones, y'all. I'm stronger than I thought I was, and it makes me proud.
But I still want a big win.
pwetty pwease?

PS Check out my new Vera Bradley tote bag for spring...woot!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

spelunking is not on my to-do list.

In the mood for a feel-good flick? Well this ain't it. If you want edge-of-your-seat suspense with jump-out-and-scare-ya moments in a claustrophobic nightmarish setting, this is your film. I bit all my nails down to the quick, and I don't even bite my nails. I screamed, I jumped, and the ending left me sitting in front of the tv with my mouth wide open, screaming NOOOOOO.
However, it did make my miserable depressing life seem like all sunshine and puppies.
I give it one thumb up for scares and suspense.
NOTE: This is a bit gory, don't eat while watching.
Might be a good film for dieters.

Not so super

Take two competent actors (Kill Bill, The Royal Tenenbaums, anyone?) and stick them with a completely LAME script, a cornball score, and some not-so fantastic special effects and you have this snoozefest that went downhill so fast I thought I was watching the winter olympics. Two thumbs down, and stick that baby back in the netflix envie so fast it will make your head spin.
I could have written a better script, cause believe me if anyone could come up with a few ideas for punishing an ex-boyfriend, its moi. Sample ideas: Everytime he touches the keyboard of a computer he would have a seizure and shit on himself, whenever he tells a lie his tongue would catch on fire, whenever he is in front of the opposite sex he develops Tourette's and an incontinence problem, oh and his penis would shrink 3" everytime he got ready to use it. I wouldn't bother throwing his car into space, like G-girl does in this movie, wtf is the point of that it is a piece of crap anyways that would give him an excuse to buy a new one. If he had any money that is. Anyway I have digressed from my main topic which was that this movie utterly completely sucked so go now and take it off your queue. You heard me.

Friday, January 19, 2007

McDreamy & Meredith

As fashioned in clay by the budding 6-yr old artiste, Alex.

the wisdom of Jack Handey

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would
sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?".
So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"

I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers
than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some
rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first
I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked
if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few
days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight
back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl
up in a ball.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation
in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the
natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses
in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then
lean back and sort of smirk.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't
know I'm using blanks.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably
a joke that gets old real fast.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes,
because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this
is someone else's territory.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin
strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known
before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not
love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet,
I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she
left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot
to put on my pants.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of
these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion
by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does,
because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and
I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think
this makes him feel better.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being
real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to
hold them down until they can be removed?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man,
they're gone.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned
out to be something different.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy.
Forget it, little friend.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across
in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also
he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got
these sacks."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember
we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not
sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something
was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger,
older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back,
just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should
read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the
highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing
a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought
it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner
tasted like.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go
play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later
that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky
guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should
be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is
so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if
you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better
than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and
to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really
throw you into a panic.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should
be laughing, then jumping off something.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent,
Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient
said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and
said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take
an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw forget you, get outta here," and then he probably
wouldn't even pay his bill.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow
out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the
guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite,

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster,
I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like
"Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody
else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because
they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up
for a free drink.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real
fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But
this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would
go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart
almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was
too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down
and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under
the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't
want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody
comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite,
but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some
other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child
look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could
shoot beer out of you nose.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their
heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all
but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what
they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel
gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw
one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is,
and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone
asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and
pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it.
Good magic trick, huh?

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by
a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten
feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument
with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying.
That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody
called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and
tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me
he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy
alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about
five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we
could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which
you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you
find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden,
you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really
take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West
and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was
doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold,"
and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because
what is that thing.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust,"
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told
the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun,"
I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we
should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't,
and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes,
then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry
sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in
your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back
having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the
ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was
coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well,"
said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're
wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show
up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back,
or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was
saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach.
He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's
when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression
we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not
prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a
fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we
had some growing up to do.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut
it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open,
and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person,
because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a
Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death
by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

funny conversation

While we were waiting in the dentist office yesterday:
Me: I have only been in Lauren's room a couple of times the past few years....its the Swirling Vortex of Doom.
Lauren: It does not swirl.
Me: Maybe it was the fumes.
Lauren: Well you can't even walk in Alex's room!
Me: Yeah but I have to step over decaying plates of food in your room.
Lauren: No You Don't!
Alex: That's right. You can jump over them.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

kitty porn and piggie toes

Buttons is a 2 year old orange tabby male manx with a boyish face and silky fur who is dying to make your fantasies come alive. His hobbies include playing with fuzzy hair bands, sleeping and licking himself. MEOW indeed!

piggie toes
It was an uneventful weekend spent lazing about the house, bathing and watching Grey's Anatomy. In between I decided to give myself a pedicure with OPI's "I Don't Do Dishes" polish. Eat your hearts out, foot fetishists! LOL.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


The house I grew up in
sits dark and empty now.
no laughter echoes inside,
no freshly-caught fish cooks on the stove.
no teenager practices piano,
or sneaks past the creaky spot in the hall
outside her bedroom door.
no mother waits anxiously for her daughter to get home from a date,
or asks how my day was.
no father wakes me to go fish the nets,
though I complain about breaking my nails.

All I have now are my memories
and creased faded photographs.

There is a For Sale sign in the front yard
where I once lay, exhausted from "jogging" with Pop on a chilly night,
and stared at the stars so crisp and clear above me.
My dad laughed and asked what I was doing.
He couldn't understand of course,
and made me go inside
for some homemade clam chowder.

Friday, January 12, 2007

but they have great personalities?

You should have seen their other slogan

an explosion of stars

It looks like a beautiful watercolor painting but it is really a photograph taken by telescope of the Eagle Nebula. Click here for the story.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

i found a SPOON-A

My oldest daughter is doing driver training this week. So if you get behind a car going 20 mph and slowing down for curves, that might be her. I'm really looking forward to her getting her permit, but hey I like to live dangerously. hehe.

I was feeling a little down yesterday until I got home and went to my bedroom. There was Buttons on my bed with a fuzzy yellow hair band, lying on his back and patting it back and forth between his wittle paws. Then he would pick it up with his mouth and meow a few times, and drop it on the floor. This went on for about 10 minutes until he decided it was time to lick his privates. He is so funny.

I broiled salmon with a ginger/citrus glaze for supper, it was really good. :-) Even Buttons liked it.

Also I got a notice that Lauren won a Tenacious D prize pack, which includes a cd, a t-shirt and an inflatable guitar. LOL Righteous!

Monday, January 08, 2007

my tarot reading for 2007...interesting

While I was chatting last night out of boredom, there was a person on there doing tarot readings and naturally I begged her to do mine for 2007...see below

Friday, January 05, 2007


for one last fleeting moment
I glance in the rearview mirror
to see the past I have left behind...
it was but a bump in the road
that stretches onward for miles,
into infinite possibilities
and endless starry skies

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Imagine my surprise...

When I was perusing the worlds stupidest tattoos and saw my ex bf on there....seriously he has these underwear and these pants, a hairy ass and well... the tattoo speaks for itself.

I like this horoscope!

Dear Julie,
Here is your horoscope
for Thursday, January 4:

Aren't you glad that things turned out the way they did? It didn't seem like things could work out so wonderfully, but it happened. Honor the past, and thank your lucky stars for your lovely and enriching present.

PS Believe me I thank my lucky stars daily that I am free from "that".

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy Birthday Buttons!


While other people were uncorking bottles of champagne and kissing loved ones, we were opening a can of fancy feast to celebrate Buttons' 2nd Birthday. Mr. Buttons, Les Boutons, Sexy cat, I wish you a year filled with fancy feast, long naps in the kitty hammock, and lots of lovins from your human slaves.

Oh and Happy New Year too...

NOTE TO SELF: Vacuum rug.