Friday, August 24, 2007

getting to the root of the problem

I was listening to a guy on the Bob & Sheri show this morning, talking about how our childhood affects our lives today. We tend to think back and not realize the problems that occurred back then, and how they may affect our future relationships. At first I dismissed the topic, as the guy seemed to be trying really hard to sell his book. But then he used an example of a lady who kept getting into relationships with weak men because she had feared her father. Now, my father did have a temper but I rarely witnessed it. By the time I came along, he had totally mellowed out. But one thing I did not like about my parents' relationship was the fact that my dad controlled so many aspects of my mothers life. She practically admitted to me she didn't want kids, dad did. So she became a stay home mom, tending to 4 children. He gave her an allowance, he read her mail, he told her who she could and couldn't have over at the house. Hell, he even changed our phone number and wouldn't give her the new one, so that no one would be able to call us!! Can you say controlling?? He was also very obsessed with his work, and family always seemed to come second, except in his later years.
I think this really affected me, even though I haven't even thought about it for years and years. Surely this has something to do with the fact that I have always chosen relationships with weak (and mostly younger) men who I could easily control and who were completely devoid of ambition in their careers. I don't want anyone telling me what to do, and I want to do whatever I want to. The thought of a man controlling me in the manner my dad controlled my mom, makes me feel ill. But these weak men are losers, they're lazy, can't hold a job, can't tell the truth, and they are basically incapable of being faithful. They're easily led astray because they are so weak and stupid. I'm not saying I am perfect, far from it, but incompatibility seems to be the major issue here. My patterns of who I choose to be with, that is one area that really needs attention.
Now, I have diagnosed my problem, how the hell do I overcome it?? I really need a strong man who knows what he wants and wouldn't let anything interfere with that, who is a hard worker and wants to provide for his family, and yet also knows that it is a partnership not a dictatorship. I am sure this will involve me becoming more open to compromise and a tad less independent, which will be difficult but honestly, I am so ready for a relationship with someone who is my equal, I would do just about anything!!

PS: The book that was discussed is called Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight and Honesty by Keith Ablow and I ordered it!