Wednesday, March 29, 2006

and now for a happy post

Is it wrong that Doug is my dream man? Yes yes I know he doesn't have the body of Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Reynolds; he's more like the "before" pic in those diet ads. But I just love me some Doug. Gravy good.


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

23. Good judgment is most often learned by exercising bad judgment.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Greeting cards for any occasion

Monday, March 20, 2006

Misheard Song Lyrics

This is fucking brilliant. (stolen from B3ta archives)

Friday, March 17, 2006

Movies that should have been made

Been laughing my ass off at some of these from B3TA, and had to share some of my faves....PS got my $1K check today from Killians!!!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Cereal for those not yet ready to make a commitment

Saw this at the grocery store last night, and felt compelled to share. There is a cereal for everyone isn't there. Did you know they are also now selling Pirates of the Caribbean Cereal? It has chocolate pearls in it and marshmallow pirates (YUMMY!), along with a lovely pic of Johnny Depp on the front that, to be honest, really made me want to eat the whole box.

Spinning in Infinity

Well not only did I have to miss HOUSE last night (see previous post), I was forced to listen to RECAPS of all the American Idols singing (poorly) Stevie Wonder songs *sigh* on the local radio station on my way to work. THE TORTURE!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! Seriously has anyone who won this show had any level of success besides Kelly Clarkson (good GAWD check this out).The only part of the show that I find remotely entertaining are Simon's crude remarks. Why don't they play recaps of those instead of making me listen to karaoke Stevie Wonder songs? ARGH!

NEWS FLASH: I have been mentioned by the infamous
STEVE at Llamabutchers, *shock*..*gasp*... *blush*. Sometimes I forget that this here thing is public, seems like only my friend(s) and enemies are the ones readin' it most of the time :P Anyway, I thank Steve for his shout-out even though he says I am full of sass and crass but no class
(you forgot to mention my delicious bass) shucks, Steve, that's the sweetest thing a man has said to me in ages. What can I say I am a southern gal who likes to cuss. Cussin' is fun. Especially while driving. I tend to cuss more while driving than at any other time. There are just so many things to cuss ABOUT. Slow people, old people, pedestrians, animals, teenagers, rednecks, dumbasses.....I could go on and on. There should be an intelligence test involved with the drivers licensing process. But I digress.....I tend to do that as well. Digression is fun. uh huh. yup.

Well since I have been boring you kind folks with my ranting and ravin' lately and no funny stuff, I figured I better find somethin' funny before I lose the 3 faithful readers who visit here daily hoping for something entertaining. I hate to disappoint those folks, so here ya go:

News Story of the Day: Some old folks are going to mighty happy.

The 7 degrees of blondness:

1st Degree:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

2nd Degree:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd Degree:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th Degree:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."

5th Degree:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

6th Degree:

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.

"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."

7th Degree:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

American Idol SUCKS ASS

Thanks to the overwhelming demand to see greedy morons publicly humiliate themselves singing crappy songs, I have to wait like three weeks to see a new episode of HOUSE. GDMFSOB. I need my Hugh Laurie fix, dammit. (see other pic at far right below my links, drool) Watching him torture patients and cuss out everyone in his dept. while chugging vicodin and blasting his ipod is one of the highlights of my week. I am addicted to House and LOST. LOST is just mind-boggling. I think if we ever do start to understand wtf is going on on that island, the show will end. I just love Hurley and Mr Eko though, they are like the coolest. We recently got a fishtank and named our fish after characters on the show, however unfortunately Sawyer didn't make it. Apparently he did not have the will to live. Mr. Eko, Charlie, and Locke seem to be thriving. Charlie is a real PIG and seems to be eating all the food.

In other news, I called the Sweepstakes company who handled the Directtv win from Killians Red....I told the guy that I could not get the directv thanks to my freakin neighbor's big-ass trees and he said, no prob I will send you a check for the $1000. NO WAY!!! They RULE!!!! YESSSSS.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Buttons gets a manicure.

As you can see, Buttons is in his kitty klaw restraining device (smashing device, whoever invented it) and you can see he is now wearing his hot pink soft paws. We applied the soft paws to seven of the cats, and they work exceptionally well. So far, none have fallen off. As a matter of fact, after they were applied, the cats barely noticed they were there. They are still going around trying to sharpen their claws, but no damage is occurring thanks to the soft paws. My chairs, my rugs, my furniture, my arms and legs all salute you, softpaws!!

I watched Walk the Line this weekend, and although I am not a huge country fan, I did love the movie. I think Joaquin and Reese did a phenomenal job, and I can see why she won her Oscar. I have yet to see Brokeback Mountain, as no one will accompany me to the theater to see it, and it still has not come out on dvd.

Hope everyone had a great weekend, mine basically sucked. For one, the Directv guys came out and thanks to my neighbor's huge trees, I do not have a line of sight. GRRRR I won a free year of Directv....I am wicked pissed now. I doubt I will be able to get the money instead as the sweepstakes company had not yet credited my directv account. le sigh.
I hope the rest of my week goes better.