Monday, March 28, 2005

fudgy creamy milk chocolate bunnies *gag*

I haven't posted much here lately. I had a rough week and didn't want to bum everyone out. But since Easter is over, and everyone is already feeling sick from eating too much candy, I will go ahead and fill you in. In the course of last week, my oldest daughter got bit by a vicious attack dog called "princess" (more like evil princess of DOOM); I got a letter from the IRS claiming I owe $1800 for money I 'supposedly' received in 2003 which I did not (I received double 1099's, called the co. and was told to throw one away, meanwhile the bastards mailed both to the irs); a nasty Sprite spill in my car resulted in the soaking of my iPod, phone, keys and all cds; my youngest daughter fell off the toilet onto a toy and screamed for an hour; and oh yeah, did I mention I was on my period last week also? It was such fun.

Here is something cute I got in my email today:
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, or three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after Mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

actually there are lots more than three

1. I spent thirty-five minutes last night typing up something amusing for my blog, hit PUBLISH just as the internet connection was lost and everything I had typed was GONE. F#*& YOU, ROAD RUNNER!
2. Blogger says I only have 5 posts in my blog, and the most recent ones are from October 2004. Obviously this is not right, Geez I have like 50. Is anyone else having this problem? When are they going to fix this shit?? GRRRR.
3. I am PMS-ing, I have the migraine from hell, and of course, as I have stated before, whenever I feel awful my boss gives me 5,001 things to do. If I had a sharp knife, he would be no more. ARGH.
4. I have to pick up my daughter at school, pick up my other daughter from her grandma's and be at the gym by 5:30 for Lauren's appt with the fitness manager. Since I get off work at 4:30 this means I am going to be hauling ass to get there on time. Did I mention I feel like crap?
5. I need some good prescription drugs but I don't want to go to the doctor. Why can't they sell good stuff OTC. OTC stuff sucks.
I know there are more things to list here, but right now the sharp pain over my left eye has interfered with my ability to think. Let's hope the rest of the day improves.

Monday, March 21, 2005

buttons the chilled out kitty Posted by Hello

Friday, March 18, 2005

whips and whatnot

Song for the Day: Only You- Yaz (from the Napoleon Dynamite Soundtrack). Yay to cheesy 80's synth songs!!

If I ever opened a 'fun' shop for adults, I would call it Whips and Whatnot. It's catchy and fun to say. Come on down to Whips and Whatnot where the customer always comes first. *grin* We would have lots of buy one get one free sales and offer discounts to people who have recently divorced or broken up with that special someone. :)

I borrowed (stole) this list from Tanya at the Conv. Corner at Sweepsheet:

The Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd prefer to just watch TV.
8. Oh, this diamond is way too big!
7. For our honeymoon, let's go hunting up north!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
5. Does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Really, please don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell them I just left.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, $300 is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, get a whiff of that one!

Since I am a real honest to goodness redhead, I thought this was real funny.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde.""I thought so," the doctor says."Your finger is broken."

Fun links of the Day:

hey this guy can GET DOWN *said in Barry White voice*


Wednesday, March 16, 2005

its mr. towely

Alex poses with a big beach towel she won from the ING direct instant win game. She was so excited she slept with it last night.

I can see clearly now.

Song for the Day: Are You Happy Now? Michelle Branch

I got my new contact lenses yesterday, my prescription had changed quite a bit. All I can say is, wow everything looks great. Thank god for vision correction. Luckily while I was having my exam there was a little girl there for Alex to play with. When we were leaving, Alex said "Mommy can I come with you to the eye doctor next time? Please?" Umm, sure Alex whatever floats your boat.

My ex left a comment on my site yesterday, anonymously. Although it sounded like someone trying to comfort me, since it was coming from him, it was a hollow sentiment. After all, he is the cause of any pain I am going through. I was talking to my new friend who also had the misfortune of being involved with a commitmentphobe, and the hardest part is trying to understand why they had to leave and what on earth is going through their minds right now. Since they won’t call or write us to let us know, we are left to assume they are moving on fine and have no remorse for their callous treatment of our poor hearts. It is just so abrupt that it is unsettling to us. I mean, one minute you think they want to marry you, and the next they are out the door. Any explanations muttered as they leave make no sense, and they usually continue to profess their love for you as they are kicking you to the curb. For those of you who are lucky enough never to have been involved with one of these creatures, let me give you a quick run down of the signs of a commitmentphobe.

These men usually want to break up every few months, then they want to get back together. This may go on for many years. This is really a mental illness and they will never stop unless they are treated with therapy for years. However most men won’t recognize they have this problem, therefore they will not seek treatment. They simply go on their merry way, leaving in their wake a path of pain and destruction. These men usually cannot commit to anything in their lives, including jobs or hobbies, (yet they blame us when we do not support their interests, which change with the cycles of the moon.) Many are also pathological liars, who are so casual and frequent with their lies that they can pass lie detector tests. These men will never truly be happy, as they never find what they are searching for. They seem to enjoy being miserable and will dwell in it, trying to make everyone feel sorry for them. Even though THEY are the cause of their misery. They still continue to blame everyone else.

I found this list online, below is an exerpt. (the full list is located on this page)

Beginning stages:
He comes on as ‘needy' and ‘vulnerable', you almost feel sorry for him.
He hints around that he is looking for a more ‘permanent' and stable relationship, and drops clues of marriage.
Goes out of his way to be with you, do things for you, even canceling other plans and disrespecting his friends.
He tells you that you are special, or indicates your ‘specialness' in other ways.
He acts as if you are the number one priority in his life.
He is sympathetic to women's plights, and often belittles other men who treat women poorly.
He goes out of his way to earn your trust.

Once he has won your heart over is when you start getting very subtle hints and clues that there is something very terribly wrong about the relationship. But you are so 'brainwashed' from his massive 'win-you'over' campaign that it doesn't even occur to you that this man has problems. After all, he is MADLY in love with you - he would never leave you!

Middle of the Relationship
He seems to be very slowly and gradually diminishing his time, calls, and attentiveness towards you.
He is sending you mixed messages and confusing his emotions, "come here - go away" .
He compartmentalizes his life with you and his life without you.

He starts to make you less of a priority in his life and he has ‘rational' reasons why - which you buy because 'he is just sooooo in love with you' .
Your sex life changes - he may become less aggressive, leaving you to initiate sex more.
Your time together starts to become scheduled. You feel more like a ‘duty' or a ‘chore' of his, then an actual part of his life.
He twists your simple expectations, accusing you of pressuring him with 'demands', and he turns your innocent requests into accusations that you are 'nagging' and 'trying to control' him.
Your needs aren't getting met, and you feel as if he isn't really ‘listening' to you, or ‘hearing' what you are saying.

He points out the good things about you, but acts almost resentful and uncomfortable when you display these things.
You start to suspect he is seeing others.
He lies to you about his life ‘outside' of you.
The relationship stops growing, and he refuses to ‘talk' about the relationship, or avoids making committed changes.

It is at this stage in the relationship that you think you just need to love him stronger, or do even more 'wifely' things for him. BUT the more you love him - the more you end up pushing him away. The more you try to be an 'understanding wife' figure, the more he feels the impending threat of 'commitment'. Your loving intentions only serve to drive the commitmentphobe further away. The problem with the Middle Stage is that in your mind you are still in the Beginning Stage. You still think he is madly head-over-heels in love with you and would never, ever leave you. You are still delusional from the intensity of his 'beginning' love. You start to think that maybe you are doing something wrong, and so you try harder to show him your love. All this does is drive the fear of commitment closer to his conscious mind and he starts to panic! He needs to get out of the relationship because he feels like he can't breathe. Being around you causes him anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, since he is a commitmentphobe that means he can't commit - either way. He can't commit to being with you forever, yet he can't commit to not being with you forever, either. So, he can't find the courage to leave you. Thus, he decides that he will make you do the leaving.

The End of the Relationship

He finds constant fault with you.
He starts dating other women, in hopes that you will catch him (yet, surprisingly, if you do catch him he will cry and beg for forgiveness - that's because he still can't commit to not having you!).
He spends less and less time with you.
He ignores your needs and wants.

The hardest breakup in the world is that with the commitmentphobe. You are left confused, wondering what you did wrong. He loved you so much that you must have done something terribly wrong to kill that love. You have been belittled, insulted, and nit-picked to the point where your ego is crushed, you have low self-esteem, you feel rejected, unloveable, unworthy, unacceptable, and excluded.
(end of exerpt) -------

Most women will take the men back time after time, and keep trying to make them stay. It never works. If you are involved with one of these men, I feel your pain. I went through 5 or 6 breakups in the span of 2-1/2 years. We just have to understand that we are not to blame. A normal healthy relationship is one in which love grows and deepens. As Ralph said to me yesterday, you can choose chaos or stability. These men choose chaos. I don’t need chaos in my life. I choose to be happy.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship and want to talk, please email me.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

my fragile little mind

I'm not having a good day. I have discovered a few things in the past 24 hours:
1. When you only have one pair of clean pants, and you're wearing them, something really bad is going to happen to them.
2. Lauren needs glasses. 20/40 :(
3. The eliptical machine at the gym is fun AND works your butt real good.
4. Alex can only be amused for 5 minutes per activity. I have printed out 74 coloring sheets from
5. My boss always makes a lengthy list of near-impossible tasks for me on a day in which I feel completely awful. find files from 30 years ago? no prob. *sigh*
6. I can really relate to the lyrics of
this song.
7. I need some sleep bad.
8. Celebrities like ugly portable hairless dogs. Is this because they don't want dog hair on their nice designer clothes? No that can't be right, they dress like shit.
9. The outside of a potato burrito is not indicative of the inside temperature.
10. The harder you try to forget something, the more it keeps bubbling to the surface of your brain. Yet the stuff I need to remember can't be found in there. buy more post-its.

Monday, March 14, 2005

"I've got new socks on!"

pms warning system
fun with a rubber band
make fun words out of your phone number well mine made nothing fun.
Serial Killer or Computer Geek? Can you tell the difference?

Fun Quotes:

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers on his bus."
--Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." Amen.
--Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Right on!
--Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

Now You Know Everything!
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for bloodplasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.(Since Venus is normally associated with women what does this tell you!?)
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first "Marlboro Man."
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6)feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."The second? William Jefferson Clinton (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)
And the best for last...Turtles can breathe through their butts.

10 Things to Do on an Elevator
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
5. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
6. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
7. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
8. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
9. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
10. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
I'm going to try these on my NY trip. hehe.

In other news, I have discovered my ex is a commitmentphobe who displays nearly every classic textbook symptom. Lucky for me, there are lots of women who have been put through the same ringer I was, and I have made a new friend! One poor woman was with a guy 7 years and they broke up 15 times. And I thought I was a dumbass. My dad called today and though he has only met the fool 10 times at most, proclaimed him a nice feller. Umm. Ok you can date him! *rolls eyes*
I had a nice compliment today from another friend who told me she loved my stories so much that I really should consider writing a novel. I am seriously considering it. It would be semi-autobiographical and humorous of course. Names would be changed to protect the guilty. I will keep you posted.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

flippin sweet

mwahahahaha Posted by Hello

Yes I watched Napoleon Dynamite last night and laughed my flippin ass off. It is so random it was hilarious. As a matter of fact, I laughed my ass off all day yesterday. I also bought a ton of stuff at Bed Bath and Beyond with the gift card from my sis Rita, we ate at Lonestar (yummy), shopped more at Target, and had a fun time picking out drink provisions at the ABC store in Swansboro (the nicest clerk I have ever met, what a Sweetie!). Then late last night we went to Food Lion for munchies and turned to see the guy behind us (a roly poly jolly man dressed in a bright blue shirt with bright mustard yellow tie) buying coffee, lip balm and ky jelly. We stifled our laughter until we could make it outside, at which time we burst out laughing. Look like he was getting ready for a fun, well-lubricated night! Friday night I took my girls to McDonalds and Hell-Mart, which was fun. I was standing at the McDonald's checkout when all of a sudden these bells and whistles started going off and the manager yells out "SANITIZE". It was quite scary, when did they start doing that? He looked at the guy who was preparing my tray, and said, "you can wait until you finish with this lady". Yeah, great. Don't bother sanitizing for me.
I am keeping busy and having fun, and it feels great. It's a nice 62 degrees here today, and I was thinking of taking the girls out for lunch, maybe a movie and walking on the beach (if it's not too windy). No sitting around all day glued to the computer feeling sorry for myself. No sirreee Bob.

Junebugg gave me some great advice in the comments yesterday, she is one wise lady. Her latest post deals with a trip to the ER with her sister who was thought to have a broken leg, despite her dad's response to "wrap an ace bandage on it, it'll be ok in a few days". I found this amusing, because I had a similar experience with my dad. I was about 11 or 12 and I was rollerskating in the garage when I twisted my ankle and heard a loud pop, followed by my entire leg going numb. After screaming at the top of my lungs for about 20 minutes, I managed to take the roller skate off and crawl into the living room. I laid down on the couch, and yelled at my dad that I had broken my leg (he was in the kitchen making clam chowder). His response: "'re fine". An hour later when he noticed I was still motionless on the couch whimpering softly, he came to the realization that hey, maybe she really is hurt. When my mom got home and they finally decided yes, I was not faking an injury, my dad carried me out to the car muttering profanities about my weight. As if I didn't feel bad enough? It's kinda funny how men think everyone else is supposed to be so tough, yet when they are injured, they turn into infants who can't even wipe their asses. MEN!

Speaking of the opposite sex, I am happy to report that I haven't cried AT ALL since a brief bit on Friday (when the loser said "we are over, there are too many obsticles" yeah he can't spell for shit). My lack of emotion should say something about how fed up and disgusted I had become with the way I had been treated. I'm not saying I didn't love him dearly at some point and that I am not angry at him for constantly hurting me over and over, but after all the lies and secrets and being made to feel like I was worthless, it's actually a relief now to be free and not have to deal with the oppressive burden of his MOODS. And I just have to publish this comment from him, which was made after he swore he never lied to me: "When I tell the truth, you say I'm lying, when I lie, you say I'm lying" LMAO do I even need to say more? D'oh! Oh my that is funny stuff.
When I think back to all the reasons I loved him, they pale in comparison to all the things he did to me to push me away. I could make a list here of all his faults and detriments, but that would just be petty and I ain't perfect either. So I have done the opposite: I have compiled a list of what I am looking for in my Mr. Right. Before I write that list, I simply have to mention silk's recent post regarding a man who's wife left him because he had two penises. It's just too funny not to mention. Also, I was amused to discover a wealth of new visitors to my site, who found me by googling the words "raccoon penis". How precious is that!

Jules' Real Man Requirements:
1. Reasonably attractive, with nice teeth. Not too hairy, and taller than 5'7".
2. Must not live with mommy.
3. Must have proper adult job, (doesn't have to be rich) and not up to neck in debt.
4. Must be intelligent, well-read, someone who has lived and actually accomplished things, knowledgeable about music, movies and art with a wide variety of tastes, and has travelled a bit. And has a wickedly warped sense of humor.
5. Does not fart 24/7.
6. Can cook (thats always a plus, aint it?)
7. Knows when to shower me with love and affection and when to give me my space.
8. Trustworthy, not always on the lookout for something better, and no LIARS!
9. Spiritual but not too religious.
10. Does not run away from problems but communicates.
11. Handy at fixing things 'round the house and actually finishes things he starts.
12. Doesn't measure love by the amount he receives.
13. Good in bed with adequately sized package (just one is fine)
14. Does not like to play videogames all day.
15. Smells nice.
16. Does not have weird sexual fetishes with regards to his rectum, or my toes.
17. Doesn't want any more kids (sorry, but I am done)
18. Confident and sure of himself, but not cocky. A real man who can hold his own in any confrontational situation.
19. Only has eyes for me.
20. Recognizes his faults, and doesn't lay blame on everyone else.

Is that too much to ask?

Friday, March 11, 2005

The Demise of a Doomed Relationship

Posted by Hello
October 8, 2002 - March 11, 2005 R.I.P.

To all those who tried to tell me, to those who have listened to me patiently during previous breakups, to those who bit their tongues as I made one wrong decision after another, I say: you were right. After playing the blame game all day today, (does anyone ever win that) and having a bit of a cry, I have now reached some inner peace. There are always two sides to a story but ultimately one person was wronged more than the other, and that was me. Thank you friends for all your support during the past few days, I would have lost my mind without you. Tonight I am going out to eat, tomorrow its shopping with some friends, and tomorrow night I have been invited to a party. I have discovered that I have a lot of friends who were waiting patiently for me to come to my senses and I am sorry that I neglected them so long. To err is human, eh? I have also compiled an awesome song mix to listen to. Check it out:

Ultimate Breakup Mix- Movin On

Hole in my Head- Sugababes
Goodbye to You- Michelle Branch
I will Survive- Gloria Gaynor
It's Over Now -Deborah Cox
Leave -Matchbox 20
I Never Loved You Anyway- The Corrs
Shitlist- L7
Bye Bye- JoDee Messina
Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)- Travis Tritt
Blame It On Your (lying cheatin)Heart- Patty Loveless
Stronger- Sugababes

A Little Time- The Beautiful South
F.O.D. (Fuck Off and Die)- Green Day
Believe -Cher
Don't Come Around Here No More- Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers

After I Bury You in the Backyard - Jennifer Contreras
Don't Shed a Tear -Paul Carrack
Goodbye -Save Ferris
Alive -Heather Nova

My Way- Limp Bizkit
See Ya -Atomic Kitten

Song for the Dumped -Ben Folds Five
Special -Garbage
There You Go- Pink

Wish Me Well (Go to Hell)- Bouncing Souls
You’ve Made Me Stronger -Regine Velasquez
Whatever -Jessica Andrews
Searchin My Soul- Vonda Shepard

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Dead Raccoon

Raphael. aawwwww.

Dead Raccoon

I found you on the side of the road
Your stiff paws were in the air.
But you looked so cute and fluffy
With a sexy stripey flair.

I took you to the taxidermist shop
The one across the street.
He took out your guts and stuffed you with fluff
And cleaned your wittle feet.

I placed you on my coffee table
The one beside my bed.
I named you Raphael
Cause you didn’t look like a Ted.

You always listen to me
Like no one else seems to do.
You don’t have emotional problems.
You don’t have commitment issues.

You never leave me sobbing
or say, “its not you, its me.”
You never leave the seat up
Or spray it with your pee.

You don’t tell people you’re single
And chat with strange women on the net.
And you might not have much money
But at least you aren’t in debt.

You’d never lie or cheat on me
You think more of me than that.
You’d never say you “could do better
Or that I am too fat.

You’d never fart in front of me
Or leave my car windows down.
You don’t make me repeat things
Or keep turning up the sound.

I don’t have to do your laundry
Or fold your boxer briefs.
You don’t make demands or promises
That you know you will not keep.

I know some people won’t understand
They’ll think I’ve lost my mind.
To see us on vacations
Like I’d leave you behind.

To those of you who think we’re sick
And those I don’t amuse,
I say feck off, and kiss my ass
And Raphael’s furry one too.

And though our story just begins,
This poem I must end.
Raphael the Dead Raccoon
You are my bestest friend.

hey now, no need to be so cocky. Posted by Hello

Song for the Day: Swiss Colony Beef Log- Cartman

In case you are confused as to how yours rates compared to others, go here:
Simply cut out the handy chart and measure your penis! Doesnt that sound like fun :)

I personally would rate the sizes a bit differently. In order from smallest-biggest:
1. "awww isnt that cute"
2. oh. ok. that'll do.
3. yeah. now we're talking.

Also, it is just coincidence that all my happily married friends are married to #3 and #4's?
Does size have something to do with marital bliss? I welcome your opinions. anyone. hello is this thing on?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

it's not you. it's me. honestly.

take this daisy and shove it. this route is gay. Posted by Hello

Curious to see what others felt about being handed this line, I went a-googling. I found poetry, interesting definitions, angry blog posts, a handy breakup letter in which you simply fill in the name of your bf/gf; and even a couple of people defending the line (cause they were the dumper not the dumpee, of course). I am posting a few here for our enjoyment.

Straight, gay or Bi we've all heard or heard of people who say things like:
What they say/What they mean

Its not you, its me/Its you
I just want to see other people/I've been cheating on you for months
I still want to see you, I just think we're getting too serious and should see other people/Gimme my cake, I wanna eat.
We don't need to use a condom/Shoot me. I'm stoopid.
We can just sleep together, we don't have to do anything/Wheheyhey
No, I've gotta go to this Stag Night, you know I'd rather be with you./Miss a night out dancing with 18-yr olds wearing G-strings and covered in whipped cream? Are you serious?
I know I was wrong. I'm sorry/What do I have to say that'll stop you being mad and let us have sex again?
I'll call you tomorrow/I'll call you in about 4 days..if you're lucky.
But my mum doesn't do it like that/I'm a soaking wet sap who shouldn't be allowed out by myself
No she's not prettier than you../Just gimme a minute I want a really good look
I would invite you but I know you wouldn't enjoy yourself/I don't want you there!
I love you/I love you or I like you a lot or I want to do the horizontal samba or most likely, I'm very very drunk
Sorry I haven't called I lost your number/Go away. I don't wanna know.
It didn't mean anything/But I'd probably do it again
Yes of course I'd love to meet your mother/oh ****
I'm separated/She's not in the room right now
Lets stop at my place and pick up (whatever)/Lets stop at my place and stay there
Size doesn't matter/Yeah Right!
Can I come in for coffee/Your condoms or mine?

some more definitions: link

Women say... /and they mean

Can't we just be friends?/There is no way in hell I am ever going on a date with you!
I just need some space/Just stay away from me.
Anything’s fine. What do you want to do?/I can't believe he has nothing planned!
Oh no, I'll pay for myself/I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch
Size doesn't count.../Yeah right!

Men say... /and they mean

Can't we just be friends?/I want to keep my options open.
It's only orange juice, try it.../3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head!
I really want to get to know you better./So we can do what I have told my friends we are already doing!
You're the only girl I've ever cared about./You're the only girl that hasn't rejected me.
I want you back.../...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much together!/If not for you, I never would've lost my virginity.
I Love you./I’m drunk.

the its not you its me breakup letter: link

Dear [their name],
By now, you must realize that I'm gone, and I am not coming back.Don't feel responsible-it's not you, it's me. My [busy career/expensive drug habit/intense racquetball schedule/fascination with on-line pornography] prevents me from committing to a serious relationship. Even though we're no longer together, we'll always have our memories. I'll never forget the time you [asked me to pull your finger/made me lie about my religion to your parents/brought home a bucket of KFC on my birthday]!
They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon you will be able to [love again/like again/ speak my name without sobbing/speak coherently to another persons of the opposide gender]. When this time comes, I hope that we will be [good friends/fake phony superficial friends/in different states/as far apart as humanly possible].
Love Always/Love/Warm regards/Fondly/Adios,
[Your Name]

how to leave your girlfriend; link
(i edited this a bit, some were unfunny and some distasteful and there were some spelling errors)

1."it's not you, its me.. and my Tourettes Syndrome" (insert random sounds here)
2."You remember how we said we would always be honest... I'm using you to get a shot with ya sister"
3."Its not you its me... I hate you and I feel that will get in the way"
4."Theres something I should have told you when we first met - Under Megans Law I am legally obliged to inform you that..."
5."Want to look at my midget porn collection with me?"
6. "You know how I said if you ever ended up like your mother I was leaving you... well pack your bags"
7."Hunny where did you get the dress from, You think I could get it in my size?"
8."Happy birthday.. I bought you a mirror for your birthday as you dont look to have seen one in a while"
9."Remember you said you were open minded.. well lets play this game where you put a bag over your head and I call you Brian and take you from behind?"
10."hunny can you go to
this web page"
11.(Rabs Personal Favourite) "welcome to Dumpsville... population - YOU!!"
12."The last X months have meant so much to me.. I always wanted to go slummin"
13."Your using your make up all wrong Trust me my mum worked for the body shop.. Your Meant to use it to compliment your good features but you have gone and put it on your face".
14."The voices in my head say you are going to hurt us.. and what we are going to become"
15."... It Rubs the Lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again...."
16."I'm so lucky too not have one of those old fashioned girl friends who puts all the emphasis on Mynogamy"
17."I always wanted to do twins... whats your sister doing Wednesday night?"
18."You really should think about going Muslin with me Hun.. both my other wifes will be like your best friends... and the clothes are a lot cheaper as well".
19."I think we need more excitement in our love life, so I bought you a gift.. His names Rover, He's a German Shepherd"
20."I'll never forget that night we met... my dad was right, Ugly women will do anything on a first date."
21."So is it technically cheating if I had her in our bed?"
22."So what 3 things would you bring if you were stranded on a desert Island? For me it has to be You, A hooker and a knife"
23."The police may be coming round later, if they do You've never heard of me and remind them they need a warrant to search this place"
24."Hun, you don't consider the clap an STD do you?"
25."So on a scale of 1 to 10, how mad would you be at me selling your car to pay off the bill I owed a hooker?
26.Repeat the following phrase "if you loved me you'd put it in your mouth after its been up THERE"
27."Do you find domestic violence horny?? While your thinkin about it can you get my Stella from the fridge?"
28.tell her roofies are an aphrodisiac
29.Start every conversation with the phrase "You are really letting your looks slide"
30."I like my women like I like my coffee, light and weak.... Although I never kept my coffee locked in my basement"
31."Did I ever show you these photo's of me.. they are the old ones, when I was Pre Op Transexual"
32."Have you met Laurie, the midget Retard I work with? You have to meet him, you 2 have so much in common"
33. I didnt cheat, the Aliens used me to get her pregnant... thats my story and im stickin to it"
34."Someone told me ugly chicks try harder in bed... sadly no one told you though"
35. "Ok dont freak out.. but would you consider acting like you're dead next time we have sex?"
36.Start taking loads of photos of her and in all of them draw a huge circle around here eyes.

it's not you, its me
Thats what they all say
But you better come up
With a better reason
Cuz I'm not buying that crap today
If its you then whats the problem
Your telling me you don't know yourself
You can at least spare me the truth
Don't deny what you felt
If you lied from the beginning
Then your probably lying now
Be a man and stand up to me
Come on somehow
Its not you, its me
I'm not believing an ounce of this
You know after we break up
I am not what you will miss
I am not your ideal girl
And lets face it I never was
If its you and not me
Then don't tell me I'm enough
Cuz face it if I was
We wouldn't be going through with this
And if its you and not me
I'd really be what you miss!

It's Not You Its Me
Its not you its me

I've heard that one before
we're so ver different
need I say more
but are guys really sorry

we never even doubt
we just sulk and think
it wasn't working out
We vow never to love again

never to fall for their foolish charms
but soon we find ourselves
in another guys arms
another chance to give away

the scared key to our heart
you promise yourself this time
hes earned the key from the start
but soon his love begins to vanish

like all the other guys to come
your friends comfort and hug you
you wish you weren't so dumb
but yes oh yes

the tears to flow
and there on after
life seems very low
but hold your head high

and begin a new start
for soon another man
will come to break your heart
Author ~Brittany

How could you?
Why would you even dare?
Do you know how much a cared about you?
You and your issues.
'Its not you, its me!'
well guess what, sugar,it is your problem,it is your fault.
You'd rather watch baseball that go to a movie with me.
You'd rather check out some hot babe at a club, then go dancing with me.
You'd rather not talk to me, your friends'll think you're weak.
You ARE weak,
You stupid shithead.
You're weaker than me.
Instead of solving your problems,
You try to get rid of them.
You didn't even try,
Which is why,
This relationship won't work.
It's all over.

blog posts:
Famous last words right? How many of us out there have used this sorry excuse for a) more time in deciding between two guys, b) breaking up or c) “I need to find myself, I need to know who I am.” or maybe you were on the receiving end…
"Its not you, Its me!"
"Lets Just be Friends!" the worse comment any person in love can recieve.

"Its not you, Its me." the second worse thing any person in love wants to hear!

Defending the line:

its not you its me.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
You know what? People hate to hear this, so they think its a lie. Its not want they want to hear, so its become an universal untruth, written off as "cliche."
Its not you, its me.

Its not their fault you led yourself in the wrong wasn't his fault for me. I can't blame him for being sweet, loving and caring etc. Finally when I took a good look at myself, I had fooled myself along the way into thinking that he was what I wanted...and he wasn't. So how is that his fault? Isn't it my fault? "Its not you, its me."
Perhaps some people abuse the phrase, but sometimes people actually own up to their own mistakes...whether or not you like it.

poetry wax
really, its not you
01 Feb 2002
i've been on the receiving end of so many

"its not you, its me" speeches
that i had started to believe that it was all bullshit
that it really was me
but now that i'm the one
who needs to give the speech
i find that for me at least, its true
its not him
its me
"i can't do this right now"
"i've got shit i'm working through"
"i'm not over him yet"
"i need time to think"
but when i tell him
he's going to think its bullshit
and he's going to think its him
and that sucks

differing opinions
1. Do you women who use this excuse really mean it? I mean what else could it mean but, " It's not you, it's me... *I* just dont like you anymore!"
2. It's not you, it is me" is a nice way of saying "It is you" The few girls I've "been" with used this phrase after about two weeks. To bad i didn't believe them, my self esteem might not have been damaged so much.
3. have never bought that as an excuse (even though i have used it, sadly...) why is it so difficult to say (or for some people to understand / accept) that it probably really isn't either of you-- it's just the combination of the two that is wrong? you're both probably fine, but you're just not right for each other...
4. you should just say, "thank goodness, I was about to tell you that"
5. i get the opposite"no no its not me at all... its you... all you...
6. I get it all the time. You see, I'm perfect*. Many people feel underserving. They tend to feel like they just don't measure up. It's a shame because I am very understanding and have an awfully big heart.-tuff* according to my mother
7. I have said, "it's not you ~ It's me" before and meant it. Sometimes it IS you. The guy could be perfect: good looking, funny, perverted, and chivilrous. If he doesn't "do it," for you and there's no chemistry, then I think it most certainly is NOT his fault. I never just say that one line, though. I completely explain my feelings and I don't let the guy think it is something he did, if it is my own hang-ups that caused the break-up.
8. its not you, its me.. WITH you.that's usually where the block INKED says, there could be nothing wrong with you..its just that we dont belong together.. and i can only be responsible for least that's how i see it.
9. The thing is,... if it is *them*, shouldn't YOU get to make that choice? If they are making the choice, it isn't them. Sure, things might not "click", but I would contend this isn't just one person, it is the pair. I think that, if this is the case, the guy/girl should have the guts to say that rather than lie under the guise of being self-deprecating and shameful. *shrug*
10. story of my life.
11. I usually just say "It's you."From the movie Casual Sex, written by Wendy Goldman and Judy Toll: "It's not you, it's me. I'm...not attracted to you."

i found this all so interesting. men and women. they really are from different planets arent they?

Friday, March 04, 2005

men are like shoes. some are uncomfortable but they look good on you.

apparently I wasn't Posted by Hello

My bf is planning on becoming a cop now. He asked me today if I would think him sexy in his uniform. I really hope this isn’t the reason he is pursuing this career. I simply told him, “sorry hun I don’t think so; but if it was a UPS uniform, you would be delivering your package all the time” (My fellow sweepers out there know what I’m talking bout) Speaking of sweeps, I did get a nice win last week, I won a year’s membership to Netflix from Texas Instruments. (If anyone is a Netflix member and wants to add me to their friend list I am I was already a member of the 5-out-at-one-time plan, so they basically gave me a great discount with the gift certificate I won, so now I only have to pay like $12 a month. Cool. Recent movies viewed include: Dodgeball (hilarious insanity); The Terminal (omg will it ever end) and I Heart Huckabees (wtf is this sh*t?)

I am a little nutso, in case you hadn’t noticed. My whole family is a little bit warped, some more so than others. In case you doubt me, I once wrote a series of short stories about Corn Dogs, which involved a murder investigation. I plan to post them on my website one day in the near future. The stories I have on there now are true stories about my life The Corn Dog stories are fiction. Will have to make a note of that on my site. Anyway, the corn dog stories always make me laugh and most of my family think they are hilarious too. Unfortunately unless you were born with the WSOH gene (warped sense of humor) present in my immediate family, you will probably not ‘get’ the stories. I let my husband (ex-husband now) read them and he just stared blankly. But then again, he listened to The Backstreet Boys and his favorite movie was Aspen Extreme. I will never forget the time we were dating, when he looked at me intently and asked, “what is 2 times 100?” I should have ran. Ran as fast I could in the opposite direction. But no, I had to stay so I could witness more stupidity. Like the time we went on a trip and we were heading home. He asked which road we should get on to go home. I said, well we were on East 64 coming this way, so we need to get on the opposite road, West 64 I guess. (common sense, right) Well he takes the exit for East 64. Meanwhile I am screaming “wtf are you doing?”. See he had this problem. He only listened to part of whatever I had to say, never listening to my complete sentence. Like when he would go to the store, he would say ‘do you want anything’ and I would say, ‘yeah, get me a soft drink, anything but coke” what would he come home with? A COKE. After this happened several million times, I finally learned to just be very specific cause he obviously wasn’t listening. Dumbass. Oh did I mention he was a cop too? Yeah I was married to a cop for 10 years. Lauren Fartblossom is the product of that relationship. After that relationship ended, I lost a ton of weight, went a little bit wild, met online and fell in love with a guy from London named Paul. (the story of this relationship is ‘the natives are restless’ on my site). Well that relationship didn't last long. Then I met the other Dumbass, who seemed nice at first but later turned into the pothead who wouldn’t leave. He is Alex Pooh-Bear’s father (he is the one who said all those dumb ex bf quotes on my story page). We broke up after 3 years and he quickly married a 16 year old bisexual cokehead. They are now separated and the cokehead is in some kind of rehab commune in the mountains. So now I am with the current bf, James. Who wants to be a cop. My life seems to have traveled full circle…cop…wanker…pothead…cop. Great. At least James’ favorite movie isn’t Aspen Extreme and he doesn’t listen to Backstreet Boys. His favorite song is “Everything or Nothing” by Mya and his favorite movie is Goldeneye. *sigh* . I am not sure if he would get my corn dog stories, however.

I got a few cute emails yesterday, thought I would share a few.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Things you never hear a man say
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf-----.
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just way too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That Rosie O'Donnell chick gives me a boner.
6. Sure! I'd love to wear a condom.
7. We haven't been to the mall in ages, let's go shop and I'll hold your purse.
8. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch "Ally McBeal."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them anymore.
17. I understand.

18. This movie has way too much nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's new tits.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake.
23. Eat something!! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret model!!

24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!!!
26. Hey, isn't today your mothers birthday?
27. Let's talk, I miss talking.

My favorite feckin search engine

Click here to search.
Aahhh Right. I don't get it. Posted by Hello

Song for the Day: My Lovely Horse- The Divine Comedy

Some feckin’ funny Father Ted Quotes:

Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travelscrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when wearrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!

Jack: I like cake!

DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us, except itsa big jam made out of old women.
TED- (After singing 'My Lovely Horse') So what did you think about it in general, then?
Father Jack pulls out a shotgun and shoots Ted's Guitar
TED- Right.
DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds,but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.

Ted: They've taken the roads in.
Jack: I love my brick!
Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?
"Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!
Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!
Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...
DOUGAL- God Ted, Jacks been alseep good long time. Do you think he's dead again?
TED- No Dougal. Look at Jack. Look at that steely determination. And.... Oh my god, I've just realised Jacks been asleep for 14 days!They run to Jacks chair.
TED- Oh my God (pulls out a bottle) He's drunken a whole bottle of dreamysleepy nighty snoozy snooze!
DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphenalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.
Dougal: Ted can I stay up tomorrow night to watch the scary film?
Ted: oh no no no no the last time you watched a scary film you had to sleep in my bed, I wouldn't mind but it wasn't even that scary a film.
Dougal: ah come on now ted, a volkswagon with a mind of its own, driving all over the place and going mad, if that's not scary i don't know what is.
Dougal: Look, this tables so dirty I can write my name in it
Ted: There's a 'G' in Dougal.
Dougal: Where?
Dougal: Good news Ted! I think he's just pulled up! And the good news is,
that he can only afford a crappy blue Ford Cortina. Ha! Just imagine
driving around in that thing.
Ted: That's MY car.
Ted: Dougal, have we any incense?
Dougal: well, em...there was a spider in the bath last night.
Ted : So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure
now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.
Dougal : hang on a minute there ted, is that not jack there. [jack is
sprawled out on the living room floor]
Ted: ah dougal, you didn't even get him out the door did you.
Dougal: i thought the wheelchair felt a bit light today alright.
Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes
pheasant as well.
Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it,
like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell
people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!
Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of
Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?
Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!
Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.

Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!
Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?

Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.
Funland activities
· The Tunnel of Goats
· Freak Pointing
· The Ladder
· The Whirly-go-round
· The Spinning Cat
· Duck Startling
· Tarot Reading
· The Chair of Death
· The Pond of Terror
· Goading Fierce Man
· Hen Chariots