Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Blah blah blah

Oh geez the end of another 3-day weekend.

Song for the Day: Labia Baby- Drawn Together

Fun Links of the Day:
I thought this only happened to dogs? Scary.
What color lightsaber would you have? Yes I got purple. YAY!
DUI. Wow
this dude knows his alphabet!And check out his dance moves!

Local News:
Well we watched a few movies since last I posted. The Aviator was very good, Leonardo really transformed himself towards the end. I didn't realize Ava Gardner was so snobby, didn't she come from a small town in NC? Team America was warped, twisted and funny....although it was not as funny as one would have hoped. Highlights: The songs, retarded Matt Damon puppet, gratuitous puppet sex. Lowlights: Vomiting, gratuitous puppet sex. It was better than Orgazmo (not a difficult feat there) but nowhere near as good as the South Park movie.
I haven't been blogging or reading other blogs as often as I should, I just haven't been in the mood. Sorry bout that!

Fun Stuff Purloined Elsewhere:

The Letter

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those a-holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
One Liners

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written animpressive new book. It's called, "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.
5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,there's shipping and handling too.
7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
8. My next house will have no kitchen... just vending machines and a large trash can.
9. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
10. I'm so depressed.My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
13. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

there is cheese in that thar fridge...

hanging out....on the couch....same ol thing...i did last week...not a thing to do....but expose myself to you....WHOA YEAH! Hello Wisconsin!

Song for the Day: Shark Attack from The Life Aquatic

Fun Links of the Day:
Yet another reason to move to Germany. The other is the cuisine, of course.
Star Wars Rap

Local News from the WWoJ:
Well we went Saturday to see Revenge of the Sith. All I can say is, WOW. I loved it. Yoda kicked butt, and R2 rules. I especially enjoyed the last 30 minutes of the movie which tied up all the loose ends. It was awesome. In fact we might go see it again this coming weekend. First I have to take Alex to see Madagascar which opens on Fri night. Speaking of Madagascar, kudos to James who won a stuffed penguin from the movie on his first try in the claw machine at Hell-Mart!
We also watched quite a few Netflix movies, White Noise=complete crap; The Life Aquatic- quirky and enjoyable, mostly due to Bill Murray; In Good Company- who cares about the plot I just want to watch Topher Grace. And I am sorry but no girl in their right mind would dump him to concentrate on school. PUH-LEASE! Today in the mail I received The Aviator and Team America so I will give my 2cents on those later this week.
My nephew was injured Saturday when he fell through the roof of a metal building that he was renting from me. He broke both of his wrists, and he is having surgery on them today. I hope everything goes well.
I took Alex to the hospital Monday to get her xrays (her pediatrician wanted to check her kidneys)...well turns out they did a sonogram and she did NOT like that jelly goop they pour on you (I don't blame her) she did ok for the first half but when the technician turned her over to do the other side, she FLIPPED out. After 10 minutes of screaming I finally calmed her down by saying I would take her to the gift shop and buy her the stuffed Garfield. She dried those tears immediately. Unfortunately, after I got home I had a message from the hospital, apparently there was another xray she was supposed to have had while we were there, so now I have to repeat the process on Wednesday morning. God Help me.

Fun Stuff Purloined Elsewhere:


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." _________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." __________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" ____________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." _________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.


Snoring cure

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. She goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. Thewoman is amazed.Later that night her husband comes home drunk after being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to do his business, and as he stands in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says, "Rex old fella, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever we were, we took first and second place.


Caught Cheating

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Friday, May 20, 2005

pikachu doesn't like washing dishes

Life sucks.
Shamelessly stolen from The Tale of Smith.

Song for the Day: If You Were Gay– Avenue Q

Quote of the Day: The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. Steven Wright. Sorry I just can't get enough Steven Wright.

Fun Links of the Day:
Silk’s post about fondling chickens online- priceless.
Store wars
Music Video thanks to Lauren

Local News:
Well Lauren was in a program at school last night, all about how much these kids LOVE America. It was so patriotic I cried. Oh wait nm I was crying cause I was sitting on a wooden bleacher for an hour listening to elementary kids singing. Seriously though Lauren’s class did very well and I was proud. I am planning to go to see Star Wars on Saturday. I think we might go to the early matinee, since 1) its probably less crowded and 2) it’s a lot cheaper. I am also eagerly awaiting my netflix shipment of In Good Company (I heart Topher Grace) and The Life Aquatic (I heart Bill Murray). Also in addition to the really bad movies we watched recently that I mentioned in an earlier post, we also watched Blade Trinity which was very good, mostly thanks to Ryan Reynolds who is 1)very hot 2)likes to take off his shirt a lot 3) has a super mega fantastic bod and 4) he is so freaking funny.

Fun Stuff I Shamelessly Purloined off the Net:

Note: I did not write this so don't shoot me.

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. Then she says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats."Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also."The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time, for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a-runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and! all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."

Ever Wondered?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. Haha I happen to love Evian myself..

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Thursday, May 19, 2005

get me off this crazy thing

Five more minutes, dad....I just made level 2,799...aahhhhh...
James has a problem. Its called Dark Age of Camelot.

Song for the Day: Taco Flavored Kisses- Cartman

Fun Links of the Day:
touching!! Makes me want to cry.
I want one!!
The Tale of Smith

Local News:
Let’s see. I bought a copy of National Treasure cause the kids wanted it. When we got home there was no movie in the case and Alex proceeded to scream and throw fits. KMART sucks. I also watched two really BAD movies this past weekend….Envy and Darkness. Envy (starring Ben Stiller and Jack Black) was s’posed to be funny, I don’t know wtf happened with that. You would think a movie about making dog poo disappear would be hilarious. Not quite. Darkness (starring Anna Paquin) was s’posed to be a horror movie but I spent most of it trying to figure out the incomprehensible PLOT. Who wrote this shit? They must have been high on crack, whoever it was. James claimed to understand the plot, yay for him.

Fun Stuff I Shameless Purloined off the Net:

Letter from the Penis

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious Diseases.

Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the Administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen Visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have Completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the Workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

le paradis de fat ass AKA the movie of my life

Whilst staring into space on the treadmill yesterday, I pondered who would play all the characters if my life was ever made into a movie. I have come up with the following: Please note, if you are among those portrayed and you are offended by my choice of actor/actress to portray you, feel free to email me with any substitutions you would prefer.

Le Paradis De Fat Ass

Starring: Sara Rue as Jules, the sarcastic readheaded goddess with acerbic wit and a fat ass...

Some dork permanently attached to his computer as ex-bf James AKA Vyntex, a hairy, flatulent commitmentphobic pathological liar with an internet and gaming addiction who smokes cloves and pretends to be a nice guy but gets off on emotionally abusing people who cared about him, by lying to them repeatedly and cheating on them with anyone he can find online.

Lindsay Lohan as Lauren Fartblossom
(I am talking bout the cute little innocent Lindsay not the Ho-Han she has become)

Dakota Fanning as Alex Pooh-Bear (add lots of curls)

Stephen Dorff as Jamie the ex-bf pothead moron who is Alex's father.


David Schwimmer as Dondi the ex-husband father of Lauren who is a cop and knows nothing about plumbing (ok make him blonde, blue eyed and balding) and who can't stop going to school

Tyne Daly as Rita Fajita, the smart levelheaded big sister

Brenda Fricker as Elaine, the oldest sister who is special.

Grizzly Adams as Bud, the brother and head of the construction empire. (ok shave his head and take a little off the beard)

That guy from the Capital One commercials as Jacob, Rita's son

Helena Christensen as Andrea, Elaine's daughter

Lizzy Caplan (Mean Girls) as Sarah, Rita's daughter

Jim Gaffigan (Hyde's boss at the restaurant on That 70's Show, and a stand up comic) as Josh, Elaine's son.

Jessica Simpson as Melissa, Josh's former main squeeze. (make her a LOT smarter and she does not dress like this)

Clay as Tracy, the next door neighbor who's house keeps catching on fire.

frolicking through happy bunny land

Song for the Day: Don’t Funk with my Heart- Black Eyed Peas
I wonder if I take you home….ode to Lisa Lisa that brings back lotsa memories

Quote for the Day: When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Steven Wright.

Interesting searches that led to my site, or geez there are some weirdos online:
1. Ronald McDonald Evil- google.se
2. Evil Ronald McDonald- Google.com
3. Jules clothing- google.uk
4. disney biblical idolism - google.com
5. kittens in helmets- Google.com
6. Ronald McDonald is Evil- google.com
7. chef boyardee canned ravioli recipes- google.com
8. big ass paradis- google.fr (
I should rename my site to this!)
9. man put condom gun- google.uk
10. men who cannot commit- search.yahoo.com
11. making my husband become super morbidly obese and immobile- search.yahoo.com WTF?

12. as well as the usual assortment of Kelly Clarkson pervs who are searching for naked pics, panties, and breasts...

Fun Links of the Day:
Found this
lucky gem thanks to a weird search above
More proof of his evil-ness
teach those BUGS!

Local News:
Alex is feeling better already after one day on antibiotics. I have to take her next week for an xray to make sure there isn’t a blockage in her kidneys. That ought to be fun! I was inundated with paperwork today at work, and I had to go to the DMV on my lunch break to get my registration renewal, can you tell this is shaping up to be a fun day?

On a positive note, I had a great workout last night at the gym (fat ass, sayonara!) and I loaded up on lots of healthy foods at the grocery store. Today I had Special K with red berries & lowfat organic milk for breakfast, and for lunch I am making myself a big salad with boston bibb lettuce, organic tomatoes and cukes and bleu cheese dressing (I know, not low cal but YUM)….I also brought some local strawberries and cottage cheese for a snack. I want to lose at least 10 lbs before the NY trip, which isn’t very far off. I have cut out the soft drinks also. Last night I had sugar free kool aid which was really good, surprisingly. :)

Fun Stuff:

Stupid Warning Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.


A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila. The bartender asks, "Why so many buddy?" The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blow job".
The bartender says, "Well hell, congratulations, I will give you one on the house for free."
The man says, "No thank you, if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't make a difference."


Little Sausage

For All Those Men Who Say,
"Why Buy The Cow When You Get The Milk For Free" Here's An Update For You...
Nowadays 80% Of Women Are Against Marriage. Why? Because Women Realize It's Not Worth Buying An Entire Pig,
Just To Get A Little Sausage.

Monday, May 16, 2005

more kitties doing bad things

Bad kitty driver courtesy of B3TA

BOING courtesy of webnoodle

Local News: No time for blogging today as my littlest one is sick and I had to take her to the doctor, get medicine, and she has to pee every 3 minutes. Promise to make up for it tomorrow, in the meantime enjoy the pics of bad kitties!

Friday, May 13, 2005

why did all my rowdy friends settle down?

me this weekend.

Song for the Day: Feel Good Inc.- Gorillaz
Yeah I know I used this one before, but since that iPod commercial is in heavy rotation it is stuck in my head.

Quote for the Day: I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven Wright

Fun Links of the Day:
Fun Pet of the Day!
Too lazy to READ? *rolls eyes*
Unintentionally sexual comic book covers
Well if you gotta blame someone....

Local News from the Wicked World of Jules:
I am planning a trip to NYC in June, cause I won free airfare from Orbitz in an instant win game. Also, a few months ago I won three nights free hotel stay at any Doubletree hotel in the US. (Sweepstaking is a hobby of mine, which really pays off.) I finally received my vouchers yesterday and today I called to make the reservations. We will be staying here:

I am getting excited!! I haven't been to New York in over 20 years and I am going to have a blast, especially since everything is FREE :)
In other news, Moon Pie had yet ANOTHER kitten which brings our kitten total to SEVEN. Can I just go ahead and cry now? I have 12 cats now. Waaaaaaaaaaaa.

Fun Stuff:
Greeting card
A woman was looking at greeting cards for quite awhile, apparently not finding what she wanted. A clerk came over and asked if she needed help. The woman thought for a second and sheepishly said, "Do you have any ‘I'm sorry I laughed at the size of your dick cards?"

Things to do in a public toilet

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"


Useless Facts

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards.
2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed inIreland.
4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.
8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.
13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.
14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size.
15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.
17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods.
18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.
19. 200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.
21. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.
22. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.
23. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
24. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.
25. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
26. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
27. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
28. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.
29. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
30. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
31. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
32. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
33. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C.
34. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
35. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
36. % of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
37. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.
38. In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
39. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
40. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
41. An Indian woman can legally wed a goat.
42. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
43. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
44. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
45. What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
46. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
47. The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.
48. Every person has a unique tongue print.
49. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
50. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
51. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
52. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
53. Bubble gum contains rubber.
54. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
55. In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
56. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
57. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
58. The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
59. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
60. Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
62. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
63. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh, why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!]
64. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
65. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
66. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
67. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]
68. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
69. An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day.
70. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.
71. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
72. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
73. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 1991.
74. Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."
75. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.
76. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them are in Parma!]
77. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
78. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
79. Mosquitos have teeth.
80. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
81. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
82. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
83. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
84. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
85. Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.
86. % of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
87. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
88. An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.
89. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
90. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
91. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

my stuffed frog told me to do it

the scariest poster I ever saw.... courtesy of B3TA

yet another kitten living dangerously and not wearing a helmet

matrix kittens. this is soo freakin cool! courtesy of webnoodle

Song for the Day: Medication- Garbage

Quote for the Day: A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." Steven Wright

Fun Links of the Day:

Lighting Farts is FUN!
GI Joe
loses it.

Local New from the Wonderfully Wicked World of Jules:

The big fat pregnant cat Moon Pie gave birth this morning. As of 12:30pm there were 6 kittens, all of whom look like mini-MoonPies except one that is Calico, so basically it is a combination of Moon Pie and that big old orange Tom cat that knocked her fat ass up. We already have 5 cats in the house so every one of these kittens must GO (once they are weaned of course). My sister has claimed one so that leaves 5 free kittens to anyone in the eastern NC area. I will post pics when they get bigger and cuter. It’s a freakin zoo I tell ya.
My neighbors house caught on fire and I was the one who called 911 cause she was hysterical. Luckily the fire only damaged the kitchen, but it did go up to the attic so there was still a lot of damage. There was way too much excitement in my neighborhood last night.

Fun Stuff:

If only men would listen....

Man driving down road ...

Woman driving up same road ...

They pass each other ....

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells out window, B I T C H!

Man rounds next curve and crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.

Thought For The Day : If only men would listen....


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh . . . she got fired too.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

piercing the pessimistic balloon of fate

More kittens in danger. If only they had worn their helmets like Poncie.

See what happens??

(pics courtesy of B3TA)

Song for the Day: The Ballad of Lemmiwinks
Freedom from the ass of doom is the treasure you will win!

Quote for the Day:
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." Roseanne Barr

Fun Links of the Day:
Find out what color your
kids’ eyes will be:
Vibrator for kids...Alex would really like to have this.(courtesy of Thighs Wide Shut)
After reading the headlines lately and wondering how on earth a human could harm their own child, it is so nice to read something positive like this. Moral: People suck, dogs rule.

Local News from the Not-So-Wonderful Wicked World of Jules:
I have a raging headache today, so bear with me as I bitch.
I think I am in the minority here, but I do not find anything funny about pictures of morbidly obese people. Especially if they are women and they are scantily clad. I have seen a lot of people post such pics on blogs, with insulting captions that I assume were meant for a laugh. I find these pictures both sad and horrifying. I have struggled my whole life with my weight, as has nearly every member of my immediate family. Yes I got the genes from HELL when it comes to metabolism. Luckily my two daughters have inherited their father’s metabolisms and not mine. I also found nothing amusing in the movie Shallow Hal. I thought it was condescending and insulting. I know… I know… the message was a good one, its “what’s inside that counts”. But they went to extremes, I mean a metal chair collapsed under her girth? Come on. It pissed me off. Gwyneth said when she put on the fat suit and walked into a bar, not one person made eye contact with her. She felt invisible. It is sad to be unable to buy clothing you like. It is sad to feel embarrassed 24/7. It is not fun being fat.
Anyway, you will find no humiliating pics of fat people on this here blog. Fat Pets? Hell Yeah. Adorable kittens in perilous situations? You got it. Pics of happy fun balls being taunted? You betcha sweet ass.
If I wanted to see an extremely fat person all I gotta do is look in the freakin mirror.
I’m going to the gym. *sigh*
In other news, I won some makeup today from Stila. Cool, hehe. Lip liner and lip gloss worth $30. Yay me.

Fun Stuff:

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,will prevent you from rolling over and going back tosleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse. "I want to get weighed," replied Amber. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," Amber responded. By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Ronald McDonald is EVIL

Thank God for Sparkles the Super Kitten who Kills Evil Clowns

Song for the Day: Irish Drinking Song- Denis Leary
We drink and we smoke and we drink and we die…HEY

Fun Links of the Day:
I am eagerly anticipating
this movie’s release. I only hope they do justice to CS Lewis’ vision. NOTE: Took a very long time to load and I have cable.
Ummmm.... DUH! First spunk, now this. What's next?
Blender interview with my fave fellow redhead Shirley Manson plus win an iPod and the new Garbage CD.

Local News from The Wicked World of Jules:
Weird Dream Last Night:
I dreamed I was in an old dark house that had secret passageways. I was walking down a hallway with flashlight in hand, and found a secret room that led to more passageways. I heard some movement around a corner and shone my light towards the noise. At first I could see nothing but then my eyes saw something small on the floor walking toward me. Like a tiny person about 5” tall. As the figure grew closer I saw it was Ronald McDonald and he was holding a red pin or dart in his hand. I said “are you a nice Ronald McDonald or an evil one?” He said “nice” real slowly and creepily. Then he lunged for my hand and stabbed me with the red pin thing. It hurt so fucking bad I screamed and kicked Ronald across the room. I dropped my flashlight and started running down a dark hallway when I heard wings fluttering and a musical sound in front of me. There was an orb in front of me glowing a soothing blue color. Suddenly it turned into a tiny fairy. She was beautiful and she was wearing a flowing white gown that was iridescent and sparkled. I felt comforted by her prescence. She motioned to my hand that was injured and she sprinkled something on it. Miraculously the injury was healed good as new. After that I got into my car and we were driving through the woods looking for more faiires…we had the headlights off and we were going to drive deep into the woods and then turn the bright lights on and theoretically blind the fairies and render them immobile, so we could catch them or something. Well we stopped the car and turned on the lights. Instead of fairies there were goldfish swimming in the air, along with bright shiny specks of dust swirling all around me. We tried to catch the goldfish, but then I reasoned that surely we must be underwater and need air. That’s when I woke up.
Anyone who has any interpretations please let me know. And no, I did not eat anything weird last night. I had a hot dog. I do know that when you dream of exploring a house, it is really your own self that you are exploring and hidden rooms and passageways would be parts of myself that I don’t want to face or something. That could be anything, I am filled with self-loathing. I have had similar dreams before of finding secret rooms in old houses. I also have recurring dreams of tornadoes and being caught in their path with nowhere to run. Why can’t I dream I am in Paradise Island sitting on the beach with Kiefer Sutherland to my left and James Spader to my right and they keep handing me pina coladas and rubbing me with oil?? Gosh darn it.

Fun Stuff:

Chinese Proverbs
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
22. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
23. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
24. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
25. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
26. Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.
27. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
28. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
29. Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
30. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.


Why God made moms

(Answers given by 2nd grade school children)

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.


Church Bulletin Bloopers:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy..

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Monday, May 09, 2005

Pat Mustard & the Milky Cuppa Tea

Song for the Day: Up There- South Park Bigger Longer & Uncut

Fun Links of the Day:
Woody's World of
Penis Euphemisms!
Tom Cruise is a midget. Proof
There are no words that can accurately describe Rosie’s
acting genius.

Local News from the WWofJ:
We got up Saturday morning and left for Raleigh, leaving behind our little ho-dunk town for some culture and good eats. I wish I could say the trip was loads of fun, but we spent most of our time either lost or waiting for a table at The Cheesecake Factory. Whenever James missed a turn he blamed us all for it, even though he was the one driving. Apparently when someone in the car is talking or breathing he can’t think straight, but the radio doesn’t affect him. I will give him credit though, we always managed to reach our destination, even though it took us 45 minutes to reach a hotel that was right across the road from us.

We went shopping at the mall first, and Alex picked out a bubble gun and some Incredibles figures at the Disney Store, Lauren got a frog habitat at the Discovery Store, and I got a red quilt and some room spray at Pottery Barn. For lunch we ate at the
Cheesecake Factory which was very good, although their chairs are made for tiny people with small asses which unfortunately does not include me. I had a cheeseburger and a Boston salad, Lauren had pizza, Alex had chicken tenders, and James ordered something fancy that cost more than mine and Lauren’s put together. The Boston salad I ordered was very very good unfortunately it lingered with me all day, and I spent the rest of the evening burping garlicky ranch dressing w/a hint of bleu cheese and trying to avoid the grimacing of those caught downwind.

Beauty & the Beast was excellent, especially Belle (played by Lauren Kennedy) who had a lovely singing voice, Gaston (Greg Goodbrod) and Doormat (Robbie Roby who was AMAZING). Mrs Potts (Jeanne Lehman) sounded exactly like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted

and The Beast (Alan Campbell) reminded me of Satan in the South Park movie

I kept expecting him to burst into “Up There”. We all really enjoyed it although Alex grew a bit weary in the last act. There were a few songs included that weren’t in the Disney movie, and a few new jokes as well.

Our hotel was pretty nice, we were on the 11th floor which was interesting. There was some kind of Miss NC pageant and a Clogging convention going on Saturday, and I was very intrigued at all the cloggers we ran into. I never knew clogging was such a phenomenon but there were thousands of people there at this convention. Most of them were wearing their I LOVE CLOGGING shirts and there were tables everywhere in the lobby laid out with socks, stickers, shirts, hats, you name it, all emblazoned with the catchy I LOVE CLOGGING slogan. The guys looked gay. As we were leaving the hotel Saturday night we could hear the cacophony of a thousand hooves clogging in harmony. It seemed like a bizarre cult to me.

Sunday we ate at the Cheesecake Factory for brunch, and for some reason none of our meals came out at the same time. Alex’s came out first. Then 20 minutes later Lauren’s and James’s food came out, then about 10 minutes after that, mine finally arrived. The manager came to our table and offered us 4 free desserts since we had received our meals separately. Cool. Although the lunch the previous day was excellent, I can’t say the same for their breakfast foods. Alex’s bacon was black, and they also burned my English muffin to the point it was nearly unchewable. James drank a mixed drink and got sick *dumbass* so he went out to the car while we went shopping. In the Body Shop I picked up some foot spray for Alex’s stinky piggies (note to self, do not buy this child any more leather sandals), a scented oil diffuser thingie to scent the house, some facial mask and a bunch of bath salts and bubbles in their White Musk scent which I find very relaxing. We also stopped at Hallmark where Alex picked out yet another Ty Stuffed Animal which had the unfortunate name of Fitz. After arguing in the back seat over the name, I think they finally decided on either Cappuccino or Caramel. (For some reason on Saturday, Alex kept repeating the word Cappuccino over and over. I have no idea where she heard that.) Lastly we went to Barnes and Noble (my fave) and I picked up quite a few books to read:

Then James drove us home and we all collapsed of exhaustion.
The cats didn’t seem to have even noticed we were gone.

Fun Stuff:

Bumper Stickers

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

So many cats.... So little time.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!

Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!

Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?

It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.

Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free

Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a
traffic jam.

Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Illiterate? Write for free help.

Take me drunk, I'm home.

Life is like a straw, it sucks.

Don't delay, paint today

I drive like this to piss you off!

"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter"

Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!

I may be slow but I'm in front of you.

Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!

You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.

I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?

DANGER: I drive like you do!

Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause

Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.

S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks

If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.

I don't drive fast I fly low

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If you can read this you're in range.

The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your actions.

It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean.

Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.

Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you.

Study long study wrong.

Blow your nose, your horn works fine.

My karma ran over my dogma.

I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.

I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.

Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.

Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.

Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So
they wouldn't shit on stage.

Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.

Everything Is Somewhere.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure...

I love cats.....they taste just like chicken.

I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.


If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!

Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.

I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.

Smile.........show off your teeth.

Clean up America. Shoot a redneck!

I 'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my
head that far up my ass.

House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?

I left the womb for this

I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.

The more I learn, the less I understand.

I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.

If you can read this, I am parked.

I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I'm objective; I object to everything.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Life is a terminal disease.

Conserve water - Shower with a friend

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.