Sunday, March 13, 2005

flippin sweet

mwahahahaha Posted by Hello

Yes I watched Napoleon Dynamite last night and laughed my flippin ass off. It is so random it was hilarious. As a matter of fact, I laughed my ass off all day yesterday. I also bought a ton of stuff at Bed Bath and Beyond with the gift card from my sis Rita, we ate at Lonestar (yummy), shopped more at Target, and had a fun time picking out drink provisions at the ABC store in Swansboro (the nicest clerk I have ever met, what a Sweetie!). Then late last night we went to Food Lion for munchies and turned to see the guy behind us (a roly poly jolly man dressed in a bright blue shirt with bright mustard yellow tie) buying coffee, lip balm and ky jelly. We stifled our laughter until we could make it outside, at which time we burst out laughing. Look like he was getting ready for a fun, well-lubricated night! Friday night I took my girls to McDonalds and Hell-Mart, which was fun. I was standing at the McDonald's checkout when all of a sudden these bells and whistles started going off and the manager yells out "SANITIZE". It was quite scary, when did they start doing that? He looked at the guy who was preparing my tray, and said, "you can wait until you finish with this lady". Yeah, great. Don't bother sanitizing for me.
I am keeping busy and having fun, and it feels great. It's a nice 62 degrees here today, and I was thinking of taking the girls out for lunch, maybe a movie and walking on the beach (if it's not too windy). No sitting around all day glued to the computer feeling sorry for myself. No sirreee Bob.

Junebugg gave me some great advice in the comments yesterday, she is one wise lady. Her latest post deals with a trip to the ER with her sister who was thought to have a broken leg, despite her dad's response to "wrap an ace bandage on it, it'll be ok in a few days". I found this amusing, because I had a similar experience with my dad. I was about 11 or 12 and I was rollerskating in the garage when I twisted my ankle and heard a loud pop, followed by my entire leg going numb. After screaming at the top of my lungs for about 20 minutes, I managed to take the roller skate off and crawl into the living room. I laid down on the couch, and yelled at my dad that I had broken my leg (he was in the kitchen making clam chowder). His response: "'re fine". An hour later when he noticed I was still motionless on the couch whimpering softly, he came to the realization that hey, maybe she really is hurt. When my mom got home and they finally decided yes, I was not faking an injury, my dad carried me out to the car muttering profanities about my weight. As if I didn't feel bad enough? It's kinda funny how men think everyone else is supposed to be so tough, yet when they are injured, they turn into infants who can't even wipe their asses. MEN!

Speaking of the opposite sex, I am happy to report that I haven't cried AT ALL since a brief bit on Friday (when the loser said "we are over, there are too many obsticles" yeah he can't spell for shit). My lack of emotion should say something about how fed up and disgusted I had become with the way I had been treated. I'm not saying I didn't love him dearly at some point and that I am not angry at him for constantly hurting me over and over, but after all the lies and secrets and being made to feel like I was worthless, it's actually a relief now to be free and not have to deal with the oppressive burden of his MOODS. And I just have to publish this comment from him, which was made after he swore he never lied to me: "When I tell the truth, you say I'm lying, when I lie, you say I'm lying" LMAO do I even need to say more? D'oh! Oh my that is funny stuff.
When I think back to all the reasons I loved him, they pale in comparison to all the things he did to me to push me away. I could make a list here of all his faults and detriments, but that would just be petty and I ain't perfect either. So I have done the opposite: I have compiled a list of what I am looking for in my Mr. Right. Before I write that list, I simply have to mention silk's recent post regarding a man who's wife left him because he had two penises. It's just too funny not to mention. Also, I was amused to discover a wealth of new visitors to my site, who found me by googling the words "raccoon penis". How precious is that!

Jules' Real Man Requirements:
1. Reasonably attractive, with nice teeth. Not too hairy, and taller than 5'7".
2. Must not live with mommy.
3. Must have proper adult job, (doesn't have to be rich) and not up to neck in debt.
4. Must be intelligent, well-read, someone who has lived and actually accomplished things, knowledgeable about music, movies and art with a wide variety of tastes, and has travelled a bit. And has a wickedly warped sense of humor.
5. Does not fart 24/7.
6. Can cook (thats always a plus, aint it?)
7. Knows when to shower me with love and affection and when to give me my space.
8. Trustworthy, not always on the lookout for something better, and no LIARS!
9. Spiritual but not too religious.
10. Does not run away from problems but communicates.
11. Handy at fixing things 'round the house and actually finishes things he starts.
12. Doesn't measure love by the amount he receives.
13. Good in bed with adequately sized package (just one is fine)
14. Does not like to play videogames all day.
15. Smells nice.
16. Does not have weird sexual fetishes with regards to his rectum, or my toes.
17. Doesn't want any more kids (sorry, but I am done)
18. Confident and sure of himself, but not cocky. A real man who can hold his own in any confrontational situation.
19. Only has eyes for me.
20. Recognizes his faults, and doesn't lay blame on everyone else.

Is that too much to ask?