men are like shoes. some are uncomfortable but they look good on you.

apparently I wasn't

My bf is planning on becoming a cop now. He asked me today if I would think him sexy in his uniform. I really hope this isn’t the reason he is pursuing this career. I simply told him, “sorry hun I don’t think so; but if it was a UPS uniform, you would be delivering your package all the time” (My fellow sweepers out there know what I’m talking bout) Speaking of sweeps, I did get a nice win last week, I won a year’s membership to Netflix from Texas Instruments. (If anyone is a Netflix member and wants to add me to their friend list I am mysticalguacamole@hotmail.com) I was already a member of the 5-out-at-one-time plan, so they basically gave me a great discount with the gift certificate I won, so now I only have to pay like $12 a month. Cool. Recent movies viewed include: Dodgeball (hilarious insanity); The Terminal (omg will it ever end) and I Heart Huckabees (wtf is this sh*t?)

I am a little nutso, in case you hadn’t noticed. My whole family is a little bit warped, some more so than others. In case you doubt me, I once wrote a series of short stories about Corn Dogs, which involved a murder investigation. I plan to post them on my website one day in the near future. The stories I have on there now are true stories about my life The Corn Dog stories are fiction. Will have to make a note of that on my site. Anyway, the corn dog stories always make me laugh and most of my family think they are hilarious too. Unfortunately unless you were born with the WSOH gene (warped sense of humor) present in my immediate family, you will probably not ‘get’ the stories. I let my husband (ex-husband now) read them and he just stared blankly. But then again, he listened to The Backstreet Boys and his favorite movie was Aspen Extreme. I will never forget the time we were dating, when he looked at me intently and asked, “what is 2 times 100?” I should have ran. Ran as fast I could in the opposite direction. But no, I had to stay so I could witness more stupidity. Like the time we went on a trip and we were heading home. He asked which road we should get on to go home. I said, well we were on East 64 coming this way, so we need to get on the opposite road, West 64 I guess. (common sense, right) Well he takes the exit for East 64. Meanwhile I am screaming “wtf are you doing?”. See he had this problem. He only listened to part of whatever I had to say, never listening to my complete sentence. Like when he would go to the store, he would say ‘do you want anything’ and I would say, ‘yeah, get me a soft drink, anything but coke” what would he come home with? A COKE. After this happened several million times, I finally learned to just be very specific cause he obviously wasn’t listening. Dumbass. Oh did I mention he was a cop too? Yeah I was married to a cop for 10 years. Lauren Fartblossom is the product of that relationship. After that relationship ended, I lost a ton of weight, went a little bit wild, met online and fell in love with a guy from London named Paul. (the story of this relationship is ‘the natives are restless’ on my site). Well that relationship didn't last long. Then I met the other Dumbass, who seemed nice at first but later turned into the pothead who wouldn’t leave. He is Alex Pooh-Bear’s father (he is the one who said all those dumb ex bf quotes on my story page). We broke up after 3 years and he quickly married a 16 year old bisexual cokehead. They are now separated and the cokehead is in some kind of rehab commune in the mountains. So now I am with the current bf, James. Who wants to be a cop. My life seems to have traveled full circle…cop…wanker…pothead…cop. Great. At least James’ favorite movie isn’t Aspen Extreme and he doesn’t listen to Backstreet Boys. His favorite song is “Everything or Nothing” by Mya and his favorite movie is Goldeneye. *sigh* . I am not sure if he would get my corn dog stories, however.

I got a few cute emails yesterday, thought I would share a few.
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Things you never hear a man say
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf-----.
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just way too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That Rosie O'Donnell chick gives me a boner.
6. Sure! I'd love to wear a condom.
7. We haven't been to the mall in ages, let's go shop and I'll hold your purse.
8. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch "Ally McBeal."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them anymore.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's new tits.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake.
23. Eat something!! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret model!!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!!!
26. Hey, isn't today your mothers birthday?
27. Let's talk, I miss talking.