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Song for the Day: My Lovely Horse- The Divine Comedy

Some feckin’ funny Father Ted Quotes:

Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travelscrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when wearrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!
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Jack: I like cake!
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DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us, except itsa big jam made out of old women.
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TED- (After singing 'My Lovely Horse') So what did you think about it in general, then?
Father Jack pulls out a shotgun and shoots Ted's Guitar
TED- Right.
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DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds,but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.
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Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!!!
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Ted: They've taken the roads in.
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Jack: ARSEBISCUITS!
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Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!
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Jack: I love my brick!
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Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?
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"Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."
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Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!
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Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!
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Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...
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DOUGAL- God Ted, Jacks been alseep good long time. Do you think he's dead again?
TED- No Dougal. Look at Jack. Look at that steely determination. And.... Oh my god, I've just realised Jacks been asleep for 14 days!They run to Jacks chair.
TED- Oh my God (pulls out a bottle) He's drunken a whole bottle of dreamysleepy nighty snoozy snooze!
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DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphenalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.
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Dougal: Ted can I stay up tomorrow night to watch the scary film?
Ted: oh no no no no the last time you watched a scary film you had to sleep in my bed, I wouldn't mind but it wasn't even that scary a film.
Dougal: ah come on now ted, a volkswagon with a mind of its own, driving all over the place and going mad, if that's not scary i don't know what is.
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Dougal: Look, this tables so dirty I can write my name in it
Ted: There's a 'G' in Dougal.
Dougal: Where?
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Dougal: Good news Ted! I think he's just pulled up! And the good news is,
that he can only afford a crappy blue Ford Cortina. Ha! Just imagine
driving around in that thing.
Ted: That's MY car.
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Ted: Dougal, have we any incense?
Dougal: well, em...there was a spider in the bath last night.
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Ted : So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure
now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.
Dougal : hang on a minute there ted, is that not jack there. [jack is
sprawled out on the living room floor]
Ted: ah dougal, you didn't even get him out the door did you.
Dougal: i thought the wheelchair felt a bit light today alright.
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Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
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Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes
pheasant as well.
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Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it,
like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'
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Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
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Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell
people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!
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Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of
Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?
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Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!
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Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!
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Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.
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Funland activities
· The Tunnel of Goats
· Freak Pointing
· The Ladder
· The Whirly-go-round
· The Spinning Cat
· Duck Startling
· Tarot Reading
· The Chair of Death
· The Pond of Terror
· Goading Fierce Man
· Hen Chariots
AND·
THE SPIDER BABY