The Wonderfully Wicked World of Jules.
Where nothing is relevant.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
To surv. or not to surv....ala Jeanie
A) FOUR PLACES I GO OVER AND OVER: work, home, adult book store, and the convenience store to refill Roger at the air pump
B) FOUR PEOPLE WHO E-MAIL/MESSAGE ME: (Regularly) Used to be Jimmy but he must be too busy writing his screenplay (haha) Donna Laurie Chickwah
C) FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS: Mexican, Italian, Japanese, who am I kidding I love all food and this is pretty obvious when you see the size of my ass.
D) FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW: on a beach in Jamaica, in England getting smashed with Rhoda and buds, in my bed chilling out, in a spa somewhere getting massaged
E) FOUR PEOPLE I THINK WILL RESPOND: Pam, Pam, Pam and Pam
F) FOUR MOVIES I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AND OVER: Sliding Doors, The Holiday, Pride and Prejudice, Bridget Jones
G) FAVORITE SOFT DRINK: Don't drink them
H) COFFEE OR TEA: I like both, actually. Coffee in the morning, ice tea when I go out, and hot tea before bed.
I) FAVORITE PERSON TO SPEND TIME WITH: Roger he is quiet and listens intently.
J) DOG OR CAT LOVER: I have both but I don't love them in the biblical sense.
K) FAVORITE PART OF YOUR HOUSE: the door as I'm getting the hell out
L) FAVORITE EXERCISE: Yes thanks for rubbing that in, Jeanie! Swimming I guess *sigh*
M) WHAT COLOR THEME IS YOUR MAIN BATHROOM: My bathroom is hot pink
N) WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR LIVING ROOM WALLS: tie dye rainbow colors
O) FAVORITE CEREAL: cap'n crunch
P) WHAT WOULD YOUR PERFECT JOB BE: Spa critic
Q) HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND ON THE COMPUTER A DAY: haha they'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands
R) HOW OFTEN TO YOU BROWSE EBAY? every couple of months
S) FAVORITE PLACE TO SHOP?: the adult book store.
T) FAVORITE RESTARUANT: Olive Garden, Outback
U) FAVORITE THING YOU WEAR A LOT: an expression of disbelief
V) WHAT COLOR EYES DO YOU HAVE: hazel- they are actually hen turd green.
W) WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR?: red
X) WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A FAMILY MEMBER?: alex this morning as I shoved her whiny ass on the bus.
Y) IF YOU HAD A CHOICE OF READING A BOOK, OR LISTENING TO A TAPE OF A BOOK, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? depends who was reading the book, I mean if it was Steven Wright then hell yes but if it was like, Fran Drescher, you couldn't PAY ME.
Honestly though I never listen to books on tape. I prefer to just buy books then never read them, but fill up my bookcase so it gives the appearance that I am well read.
Z) ONE THING YOU WANT TO DO THAT YOU HAVEN'T YET?: have sex. its been so long I'm now officially a virgin again.
Belladonna wakes up to the sound of fire trucks. She sits up on the couch and looks back at where the WhiteHorse once stood, now a mass of rubble. A fireman comes out carrying Rhoda in his arms.
Angus McGregor gently lays Rhoda down on the couch and begins performing CPR.
Suddenly she begins coughing and opens her eyes to behold the lovely bald Scotsman. She grabs him by the neck and snogs him rightly.
"Excuse me, Mr Fireman?" asks Belladonna meekly. "GO AWAY we're busy!" shouts Rhoda. "Umm.. where is Byron?? Is he ok?" "Ma'am I did not find anyone else inside." "Oh dear."
Belladonna walks over to the remains of the Whitehorse, still smoking. Over by the bar, she sees something scrawled in chalk on the "daily specials" board. It says: "Created hydrogen bomb from holy water which dispersed it into subatomic particles. It was the only thing I could think of off the top of my head, but it got rid of Shep momentarily. She'll be back and she'll be looking for me, so I'm off to the woods. tee hee. Byron xxx"
"Ha! Impressive." says Belladonna. She walks back over to Rhoda and Angus. "Oh sister dear, what do you say we take the mixer party to your place? I'm afraid the WhiteHorse is in need of repair." begs Rhoda. "Fine. I could use a party after the day I've had. But you have to break the spell on jules, Rhoda." "Oh sure," says Rhoda, beaming brightly, her smile reflecting on Angus's head.
As Rhoda and Belladonna make their way to Belladonna's house to prepare, jules is lying in the hospital bed, Laurie holding one hand and Melissa the other.
Rhoda and Belladonna arrive at Belladonna's place, and she begins the teleportation incantation to transport jules. Suddenly, jules is lying on the floor, as well as Melissa and Laurie. "What the hell is going on?" shouts Laurie. "Sorry dear I didn't mean to scare you, we're friends of jules and we are going to break the spell that is on her." "You better, or I will KICK YOUR ASS!" "Rhoda, do what ya gotta do." "Oh ok, fine." sighs Rhoda. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a bottle labeled "Hot Sex Potion" and pours some into jules' mouth. *looks at label* "Oh crap, thats the wrong one! SHIT!" She reaches back into her purse and finds "Cookie Antidote Serum" and gives that a try.
The color begins coming back to jules' cheeks. She looks radiant. Finally after several moments (during which she mumbles "You'll never get my cat!" repeatedly) she opens her eyes.
"THANK GOD!!!" Screams Belladonna, rushing to her friend and giving her a big hug.
"Umm Belladonna dear, can you come here for a second?" asks Rhoda. Belladonna walks over. *whispers* "That other potion I gave her, well lets just say that we need a man here and soon. Angus is coming round shortly and jules is NOT having her way with him." "Well let's see, there is really only one man left, isn't there?" says Belladonna with a gleam in her eye. She begins the teleportation incantation once more and in a few minutes, jimmy is standing in the room, holding a big bowl of hushpuppy mix.
"Thank you GOD. I hate my freakin job." he says gratefully. jules sees jimmy and walks over to him. "Hey jules, you're awake!! Before I forget, I have something for you." jimmy reaches into his pants and pulls out a piece of paper. "It's that macaroni art I promised you." "Geez took you long enough." says jules sarcastically. Then a look of recognition comes over her face, and she begins hitting jimmy over the head with the drawing. "WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME!" "YOU STOLE MY CAT!" "NO I DIDN'T?? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??" *confused look on jules' face* "Oh maybe I dreamed it?" "YA THINK?"
Meanwhile Rhoda is looking at her watch, and counting, with a wicked smile on her face. Finally she looks up at jules excitedly. Suddenly jules' face turns very red, and her eyes grow large. She grabs jimmy by his shirt and throws him into the guest bedroom and shuts the door. Rhoda starts laughing, "I think I'll slip a bit of this into Angus's drink at the party. hehe." "You're so bad, sister" laughs Belladonna.
Unfortunately, the love scene between jules and jimmy was left on the cutting room floor. Due to the stipulation in jimmy's contract that the entire scene be performed in complete darkness, our test audiences proclaimed that they were "scared" and "confused" as to what was going on, and also there were a few injuries sustained in the darkened theater as a result of the lack of lighting in the scene. Our apologies.
Several minutes later, jules emerges from the bedroom, her hair quite mussed.
"ALL RIGHT!!!! Lets get this party started!" She yells. "Hell yeahs, chica!!" shouts Laurie, who has already made a round of margaritas for everyone. Belladonna turns on the disco ball and cues the music.
Jimmy finally emerges from the bedroom, looking reallllllly happy. Like a new man, in fact. He walks over to the buffet rubbing his tummy. "Mmmm sausages!"
Angus arrives and Rhoda runs over to him and snogs him passionately. "Oh GOD I love this man!" She proclaims. "Aye I luv you too, darlin" "Here, sweetie, have a margarita...I put a special ingredient in there for you." "Oh I bet you did." *the camera zooms in on the evil twinkle in Rhoda's eye*
*Arseless Lullaby begins to play as credits roll*
*end credits*
ONE YEAR LATER:
jules and jimmy still hang out occasionally but he has still not made eye contact.
He helps jules out with the triplets in his spare time.
He quit his job at the restaurant, and Jason AKA Phil took it over. It is now frequented by transvestites and has been renamed "Jason's Magical Hushpuppy Hideaway".
Now jimmy is running a shelter for homeless cats, and he spends most of his time riding around picking them up in his custom made truck
Rhoda opened up a new hotel by the sea, with Angus at her side. Being loved-up has transformed her, but every month like clockwork, she has to go to a neighboring village and cast a few evil spells just to get it out of her system. She tells Angus she's off to the Jane Austen Book Club Meeting.
Belladonna wrote a best selling novel about erotic foods, and now she lives in Rhoda's hotel by the sea in the penthouse suite. She fell in love with the chef who works there and they make love round the clock, followed by sausages and strawberries. Then he writes love songs about her and uploads them to myspace.
Byron is still on the run, although no one is really chasing him. He wanders the forest by night, camping and trapping wild game. Occasionally he will stop and phone jules to see how Byron Jr. is getting along, but he always claims that his child support money was lost in the mail. He has written a children's story but has yet to find a publisher.
Laurie
and Melissa
quit their detective agency and opened up a school of martial arts, to teach girls how to KICK ASS. They are very successful.
Matthew is in servitude to Shep in hell.
He's lazy and gets beaten frequently. He seems to like it. Occasionally he gets sad, thinking about how much he misses his couch.
*cue creepy music* ric maher, carrying an oddly-shaped box under one arm, boards a bus bound for North Carolina.... "She will be mine, OH YES, She will be MINE!"
Perfect casting! How'd you know I'm a huge Buscemi fan? I don't think I've even mentioned that in my too much personal information blogs (although my friend {ex-friend...we're fighting} Yaz calls me "Mr. Pink" {we're fighting because she thinks I'm a racist snob who would never ride a bus}. Great finale...or should I say season ending cliffhanger. Thanx for including me in your cast of characters. What is this...Law & Order...with the continuous changes? Do I get naked...or die...next season?
I was the last one to get laid, I lasted 'several minutes', and everything happened in the dark??.......That's as close to my actual life as you could get! Perfect. Now, for all you evil doers and miscreants out there, consider your actions. Before you steal your next purse, before you take two newspapers from the machine while only paying for one, before you abandon your next cat...look around. The Pussy Wagon may be there, parked next to a curb, watching your every move. Waiting.... *disappears into the night*
hey...i think you helped me figure out what i wanna do when i grow up! i definately have to collaberate with melissa on that one......AFTER i find out where i can get my hands on some of that fantastical potion!
Ive been working all day and finally came home to find all my dreams have come true. You couldnt have found a more perfect man for me Jules and I am at last HAPPY.
I do fancy Steve Busemi though and I struggle with not being single and able to 'do' what I like.
:-)
Story of slightly evil Rhoda's life.
Glad Donna and Eeyore are happy in the penthouse. My seafood has been substandard recently due to lack of attention. I wish them every happiness however and may employ a sous chef.
Jules and Jimmy? All I can say is about effing time!
