Buttmuffin the Finale.
Belladonna wakes up to the sound of fire trucks. She sits up on the couch and looks back at where the WhiteHorse once stood, now a mass of rubble.
A fireman comes out carrying Rhoda in his arms.
Angus McGregor
gently lays Rhoda down on the couch and begins performing CPR.
Suddenly she begins coughing and opens her eyes to behold the lovely bald Scotsman. She grabs him by the neck and snogs him rightly.
"Excuse me, Mr Fireman?" asks Belladonna meekly.
"GO AWAY we're busy!" shouts Rhoda.
"Umm.. where is Byron?? Is he ok?"
"Ma'am I did not find anyone else inside."
"Oh dear."
Belladonna walks over to the remains of the Whitehorse, still smoking.
Over by the bar, she sees something scrawled in chalk on the "daily specials" board.
It says:
"Created hydrogen bomb from holy water which dispersed it into subatomic particles. It was the only thing I could think of off the top of my head, but it got rid of Shep momentarily. She'll be back and she'll be looking for me, so I'm off to the woods. tee hee.
Byron
xxx"
"Ha! Impressive." says Belladonna.
She walks back over to Rhoda and Angus.
"Oh sister dear, what do you say we take the mixer party to your place? I'm afraid the WhiteHorse is in need of repair." begs Rhoda.
"Fine. I could use a party after the day I've had. But you have to break the spell on jules, Rhoda."
"Oh sure," says Rhoda, beaming brightly, her smile reflecting on Angus's head.
As Rhoda and Belladonna make their way to Belladonna's house to prepare, jules is lying in the hospital bed, Laurie
holding one hand and Melissa the other.
Rhoda and Belladonna arrive at Belladonna's place, and she begins the teleportation incantation to transport jules. Suddenly, jules is lying on the floor, as well as Melissa and Laurie.
"What the hell is going on?" shouts Laurie.
"Sorry dear I didn't mean to scare you, we're friends of jules and we are going to break the spell that is on her."
"You better, or I will KICK YOUR ASS!"
"Rhoda, do what ya gotta do."
"Oh ok, fine." sighs Rhoda. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a bottle labeled "Hot Sex Potion" and pours some into jules' mouth.
*looks at label*
"Oh crap, thats the wrong one! SHIT!"
She reaches back into her purse and finds "Cookie Antidote Serum" and gives that a try.
The color begins coming back to jules' cheeks. She looks radiant.
Finally after several moments (during which she mumbles "You'll never get my cat!" repeatedly) she opens her eyes.
"THANK GOD!!!" Screams Belladonna,
rushing to her friend and giving her a big hug.
"Umm Belladonna dear, can you come here for a second?" asks Rhoda.
Belladonna walks over.
*whispers*
"That other potion I gave her, well lets just say that we need a man here and soon. Angus is coming round shortly and jules is NOT having her way with him."
"Well let's see, there is really only one man left, isn't there?" says Belladonna with a gleam in her eye.
She begins the teleportation incantation once more and in a few minutes, jimmy is standing in the room, holding a big bowl of hushpuppy mix.
"Thank you GOD. I hate my freakin job." he says gratefully.
jules sees jimmy and walks over to him.
"Hey jules, you're awake!! Before I forget, I have something for you."
jimmy reaches into his pants and pulls out a piece of paper.
"It's that macaroni art I promised you."
"Geez took you long enough." says jules sarcastically.
Then a look of recognition comes over her face, and she begins hitting jimmy over the head with the drawing.
"WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME!"
"YOU STOLE MY CAT!"
"NO I DIDN'T?? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??"
*confused look on jules' face*
"Oh maybe I dreamed it?"
"YA THINK?"
Meanwhile Rhoda is looking at her watch, and counting, with a wicked smile on her face. Finally she looks up at jules excitedly.
Suddenly jules' face turns very red, and her eyes grow large. She grabs jimmy by his shirt and throws him into the guest bedroom and shuts the door.
Rhoda starts laughing, "I think I'll slip a bit of this into Angus's drink at the party. hehe."
"You're so bad, sister" laughs Belladonna.
Unfortunately, the love scene between jules and jimmy was left on the cutting room floor. Due to the stipulation in jimmy's contract that the entire scene be performed in complete darkness, our test audiences proclaimed that they were "scared" and "confused" as to what was going on, and also there were a few injuries sustained in the darkened theater as a result of the lack of lighting in the scene.
Our apologies.
Several minutes later, jules emerges from the bedroom, her hair quite mussed.
"ALL RIGHT!!!! Lets get this party started!" She yells.
"Hell yeahs, chica!!" shouts Laurie,
who has already made a round of margaritas for everyone.
Belladonna turns on the disco ball and cues the music.
Jimmy finally emerges from the bedroom, looking reallllllly happy. Like a new man, in fact. He walks over to the buffet rubbing his tummy. "Mmmm sausages!"
Angus arrives
and Rhoda runs over to him and snogs him passionately.
"Oh GOD I love this man!" She proclaims.
"Aye I luv you too, darlin"
"Here, sweetie, have a margarita...I put a special ingredient in there for you."
"Oh I bet you did."
*the camera zooms in on the evil twinkle in Rhoda's eye*
*Arseless Lullaby begins to play as credits roll*
*end credits*
ONE YEAR LATER:
jules and jimmy still hang out occasionally
but he has still not made eye contact.
He helps jules out with the triplets in his spare time.
He quit his job at the restaurant, and Jason AKA Phil
took it over. It is now frequented by transvestites and has been renamed "Jason's Magical Hushpuppy Hideaway".
Now jimmy is running a shelter for homeless cats, and he spends most of his time riding around picking them up in his custom made truck
Rhoda
opened up a new hotel by the sea, with Angus at her side.
Being loved-up has transformed her, but every month like clockwork, she has to go to a neighboring village and cast a few evil spells just to get it out of her system.
She tells Angus she's off to the Jane Austen Book Club Meeting.
Belladonna
wrote a best selling novel about erotic foods, and now she lives in Rhoda's hotel by the sea in the penthouse suite. She fell in love with the chef who works there and they make love round the clock, followed by sausages and strawberries. Then he writes love songs about her and uploads them to myspace.
Byron
is still on the run, although no one is really chasing him. He wanders the forest by night, camping and trapping wild game. Occasionally he will stop and phone jules
to see how Byron Jr. is getting along, but he always claims that his child support money was lost in the mail.
He has written a children's story
but has yet to find a publisher.
Laurie
and Melissa
quit their detective agency and opened up a school of martial arts, to teach girls how to KICK ASS. They are very successful.
Matthew
is in servitude to Shep in hell.
He's lazy and gets beaten frequently.
He seems to like it.
Occasionally he gets sad, thinking about how much he misses his couch.
*cue creepy music*
ric maher, carrying an oddly-shaped box under one arm, boards a bus bound for North Carolina....
"She will be mine, OH YES, She will be MINE!"
*the end*
myspace Comments:
Tracy   |
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| Tracy |
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posted by jules mcnubbin (buttmuffin) at Wednesday, April 30, 2008
