Monday, March 28, 2005

fudgy creamy milk chocolate bunnies *gag*

I haven't posted much here lately. I had a rough week and didn't want to bum everyone out. But since Easter is over, and everyone is already feeling sick from eating too much candy, I will go ahead and fill you in. In the course of last week, my oldest daughter got bit by a vicious attack dog called "princess" (more like evil princess of DOOM); I got a letter from the IRS claiming I owe $1800 for money I 'supposedly' received in 2003 which I did not (I received double 1099's, called the co. and was told to throw one away, meanwhile the bastards mailed both to the irs); a nasty Sprite spill in my car resulted in the soaking of my iPod, phone, keys and all cds; my youngest daughter fell off the toilet onto a toy and screamed for an hour; and oh yeah, did I mention I was on my period last week also? It was such fun.

Here is something cute I got in my email today:
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, or three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after Mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."