Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I can see clearly now.

Song for the Day: Are You Happy Now? Michelle Branch

I got my new contact lenses yesterday, my prescription had changed quite a bit. All I can say is, wow everything looks great. Thank god for vision correction. Luckily while I was having my exam there was a little girl there for Alex to play with. When we were leaving, Alex said "Mommy can I come with you to the eye doctor next time? Please?" Umm, sure Alex whatever floats your boat.

My ex left a comment on my site yesterday, anonymously. Although it sounded like someone trying to comfort me, since it was coming from him, it was a hollow sentiment. After all, he is the cause of any pain I am going through. I was talking to my new friend who also had the misfortune of being involved with a commitmentphobe, and the hardest part is trying to understand why they had to leave and what on earth is going through their minds right now. Since they won’t call or write us to let us know, we are left to assume they are moving on fine and have no remorse for their callous treatment of our poor hearts. It is just so abrupt that it is unsettling to us. I mean, one minute you think they want to marry you, and the next they are out the door. Any explanations muttered as they leave make no sense, and they usually continue to profess their love for you as they are kicking you to the curb. For those of you who are lucky enough never to have been involved with one of these creatures, let me give you a quick run down of the signs of a commitmentphobe.

These men usually want to break up every few months, then they want to get back together. This may go on for many years. This is really a mental illness and they will never stop unless they are treated with therapy for years. However most men won’t recognize they have this problem, therefore they will not seek treatment. They simply go on their merry way, leaving in their wake a path of pain and destruction. These men usually cannot commit to anything in their lives, including jobs or hobbies, (yet they blame us when we do not support their interests, which change with the cycles of the moon.) Many are also pathological liars, who are so casual and frequent with their lies that they can pass lie detector tests. These men will never truly be happy, as they never find what they are searching for. They seem to enjoy being miserable and will dwell in it, trying to make everyone feel sorry for them. Even though THEY are the cause of their misery. They still continue to blame everyone else.

I found this list online, below is an exerpt. (the full list is located on this page)

Beginning stages:
He comes on as ‘needy' and ‘vulnerable', you almost feel sorry for him.
He hints around that he is looking for a more ‘permanent' and stable relationship, and drops clues of marriage.
Goes out of his way to be with you, do things for you, even canceling other plans and disrespecting his friends.
He tells you that you are special, or indicates your ‘specialness' in other ways.
He acts as if you are the number one priority in his life.
He is sympathetic to women's plights, and often belittles other men who treat women poorly.
He goes out of his way to earn your trust.

Once he has won your heart over is when you start getting very subtle hints and clues that there is something very terribly wrong about the relationship. But you are so 'brainwashed' from his massive 'win-you'over' campaign that it doesn't even occur to you that this man has problems. After all, he is MADLY in love with you - he would never leave you!

Middle of the Relationship
He seems to be very slowly and gradually diminishing his time, calls, and attentiveness towards you.
He is sending you mixed messages and confusing his emotions, "come here - go away" .
He compartmentalizes his life with you and his life without you.

He starts to make you less of a priority in his life and he has ‘rational' reasons why - which you buy because 'he is just sooooo in love with you' .
Your sex life changes - he may become less aggressive, leaving you to initiate sex more.
Your time together starts to become scheduled. You feel more like a ‘duty' or a ‘chore' of his, then an actual part of his life.
He twists your simple expectations, accusing you of pressuring him with 'demands', and he turns your innocent requests into accusations that you are 'nagging' and 'trying to control' him.
Your needs aren't getting met, and you feel as if he isn't really ‘listening' to you, or ‘hearing' what you are saying.

He points out the good things about you, but acts almost resentful and uncomfortable when you display these things.
You start to suspect he is seeing others.
He lies to you about his life ‘outside' of you.
The relationship stops growing, and he refuses to ‘talk' about the relationship, or avoids making committed changes.

It is at this stage in the relationship that you think you just need to love him stronger, or do even more 'wifely' things for him. BUT the more you love him - the more you end up pushing him away. The more you try to be an 'understanding wife' figure, the more he feels the impending threat of 'commitment'. Your loving intentions only serve to drive the commitmentphobe further away. The problem with the Middle Stage is that in your mind you are still in the Beginning Stage. You still think he is madly head-over-heels in love with you and would never, ever leave you. You are still delusional from the intensity of his 'beginning' love. You start to think that maybe you are doing something wrong, and so you try harder to show him your love. All this does is drive the fear of commitment closer to his conscious mind and he starts to panic! He needs to get out of the relationship because he feels like he can't breathe. Being around you causes him anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, since he is a commitmentphobe that means he can't commit - either way. He can't commit to being with you forever, yet he can't commit to not being with you forever, either. So, he can't find the courage to leave you. Thus, he decides that he will make you do the leaving.

The End of the Relationship

He finds constant fault with you.
He starts dating other women, in hopes that you will catch him (yet, surprisingly, if you do catch him he will cry and beg for forgiveness - that's because he still can't commit to not having you!).
He spends less and less time with you.
He ignores your needs and wants.

The hardest breakup in the world is that with the commitmentphobe. You are left confused, wondering what you did wrong. He loved you so much that you must have done something terribly wrong to kill that love. You have been belittled, insulted, and nit-picked to the point where your ego is crushed, you have low self-esteem, you feel rejected, unloveable, unworthy, unacceptable, and excluded.
(end of exerpt) -------

Most women will take the men back time after time, and keep trying to make them stay. It never works. If you are involved with one of these men, I feel your pain. I went through 5 or 6 breakups in the span of 2-1/2 years. We just have to understand that we are not to blame. A normal healthy relationship is one in which love grows and deepens. As Ralph said to me yesterday, you can choose chaos or stability. These men choose chaos. I don’t need chaos in my life. I choose to be happy.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship and want to talk, please email me.