Make it Stop!

Song for the Day: Feel Good Inc- Gorillaz

Fun Links of the Day:
Why cyclists wear black shorts

This is one tough bitch!

Fun grocery shopping in other countries:
soup; candy; yum; nibble on these; hmmm
Damn they have all the good stuff. I’m drafting a letter to Food Lion ASAP.

The Pope is dead, Terri Schiavo is no more, Britney is pregnant, Brad is single, Charles & Camilla are getting hitched, John Hughes is making a sequel to Pretty in Pink, Ben Affleck has a teeny weenie, and a woman brings new meaning to the word Pussy-Wagon. Surely these are signs of the apocalypse?? God help us all.

Local News in the Wicked World of Jules: Saturday night the cats had a fun time playing ‘chase the hamster’. Lauren leaves her hamster in Alex’s bedroom since he is obsessed with running on his squeaky wheel at all hours of the night. Apparently someone left the door open, because Mojo, Boots and lil Buttons were in there, they had knocked over Lil Bear’s cage and he was running around being chased by Buttons, who every so often would bat the hamster playfully with his paw, as his mum and dad watched proudly. Lucky for us the cats were slam full of fancy feast and had no carnivorous urges, and Lil Bear was restored to his cage, whereupon he hid and slept after having the cardio workout of his life. Poor thing.

Some jokes for you (these are so not politically correct but ROFLMAO)

Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men?
A. He thought they were a delivery service.

Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
A. They both have little boys pants half off.

Q. What's the difference between mono and herpes?
A. You get mono when you snatch a kiss.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q. What goes: "CLICK - is that it? CLICK - is that it? CLICK - is that it?"
A. A blind person with a Rubik's cube.

Q. What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A pit bull on a playground.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.


APARTMENT FOR RENT
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT. On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam:Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied.
2) there was plenty of heat
3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
Be Blessed
Landlady

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

2. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”

5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings, Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.” And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

13. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

14. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

15. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

16. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

17. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

18. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

19. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can lightem, you can smoke ‘em.”

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy! Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally! spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”