Tuesday, April 12, 2005

i have eaten the plums that were in the icebox

Song for the Day: Little Black Raincloud- Winnie the Pooh

Fun links of the Day:
These are amazing. I bet it really sucked when it rained.
Pot, meet kettle. Ashton Kutcher disses Keanu? Are you freaking kidding me? Ashton has no room to talk about bad acting. And I would rather watch Keanu in Matrix Part 75 than ANY movie with Ashton in it.
I bet his folks are proud.
Cat attack!
More fun cat videos.

Local News from the Wicked World of Jules:
I have the little princess with me at work today, her grandma was sick this morning. We stopped at the store and got fruit by the foot, dora the explorer cookies and chicken nuggets, and she is a happy camper.
My dad just handed me an old insurance policy he got when I was born, and told me to do whatever I wanted with it. I got real excited, thinking of all the possibilities. That is until I opened it and discovered it is worth $592. Bummer.
Yesterday I bought tickets to see Beauty and the Beast (the musical) in Raleigh next month. I figure we will leave early and make a weekend of it, stopping at the mall, some museums, etc. It will be good to get away. I found this great link to lots of free things to do in Raleigh: I’m sure this list is paltry to those of you living in big cities, but I live in the sticks and it looks exciting to me.
My old friend Ralf from Austin TX (we haven’t been friends that long, he is just old) is going to be writing a self help book called The Road to Ralfness (I coined the title mwahaha) and its basic tenet is the belief that only through intense suffering (i.e. no air conditioning) and proper nutrition can one achieve inner peace. I might read it, but screw inner peace I want A/C.

Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net

Oxymoronic One-Liners
· Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

· Death to all fanatics!
· An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
· If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
· I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
· The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
· Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
· I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
· I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
· Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
· Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
· Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else.

Help Wanted (Dumb Blonde joke)
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

OK said the sheriff "What is 1 and 1?"
"11" she said.
Not the answer he thought, but she was right.
So, he asked her what two days of the week start with the letter "T"
She answered " Today and Tomorrow." The sheriff could not believe it. He was surprised again. So, he asked her "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" She thought about it awhile and said "I don't know."
So, the sheriff told her to go home and think about it and come back the next day with the answer.
The blonde left and met up with her girlfriends at the beauty salon. They were all so eager to find out how her interview went and asked her. The blonde said " It went great. The first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


A man walks into the dentist office. After the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes,"
The man grabs the dentist's arm and says, "no way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!!!".
So the dentist says,"Okay, we'll have to go with the gas
"The man replies, "absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas!!!"
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here", he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?"
The dentist replies, "Viagra"
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?"
"NO" replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth."

I’ve seen this many times, but its still damn funny:

Words Wished Were Not Spoken
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laughhysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance fromother patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" shewould be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, then I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell! was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...a true story... the female news anchor the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only! did HE have to leave the set but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Poem for the Day: to edumakate some of us who needs us some book learnin!

this is just to say
by william carlos williams

i have eaten

the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
for breakfast

forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold