Monday, April 11, 2005

I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars

"Get in, little girl. I don't bite....hard."

Song for the Day: The Lumberjack Song- Monty Python

Fun links of the Day:
Man has pet bird with huge feet. Seriously.
In a similar vein, make
this chicken do your bidding. Since when did Burger King get into S&M?
Gay bar, Gay Bar, Gay bar.
Jacko Head. Play it, its fun.

Fun searches this week that led to my site:
raccoon idiosyncrasies
I’m a Kitty Cat
Carb free pasta
Just be friends shoot me
napoleon dynamite coloring sheets
kelly Clarkson wall papers
Mya favorite penis size

I can only imagine how disappointed these folks must be after they click on my site :P The good news is apparently I am coming up on a lot of search results, which may eventually lead to some new readers, which could ultimately make my life feel worthwhile. After all, my sisters don’t even read this, which became apparent when one of them sent me a joke proclaiming how funny it was. I had posted it on my site a month ago. *sigh*

Local news from the Wicked World of Jules: I laid on my ass all weekend and watched tv.

Fun stuff I stole off the ‘net:

Theology, Kid Style
1. Dear God, please put another holiday betweenChristmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but whatI asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love,Dennis
10.Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that withthe moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas

Gender Based English-- I posted something similar to this previously, but this one is a bit different

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so...manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Safe Smoking
One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette.
The other lady asked, "What's that for?"
The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain."
The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please."
The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

FBI Recruiting
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."