Tuesday, May 17, 2005

le paradis de fat ass AKA the movie of my life

Whilst staring into space on the treadmill yesterday, I pondered who would play all the characters if my life was ever made into a movie. I have come up with the following: Please note, if you are among those portrayed and you are offended by my choice of actor/actress to portray you, feel free to email me with any substitutions you would prefer.

Le Paradis De Fat Ass

Starring: Sara Rue as Jules, the sarcastic readheaded goddess with acerbic wit and a fat ass...

Some dork permanently attached to his computer as ex-bf James AKA Vyntex, a hairy, flatulent commitmentphobic pathological liar with an internet and gaming addiction who smokes cloves and pretends to be a nice guy but gets off on emotionally abusing people who cared about him, by lying to them repeatedly and cheating on them with anyone he can find online.

Lindsay Lohan as Lauren Fartblossom
(I am talking bout the cute little innocent Lindsay not the Ho-Han she has become)

Dakota Fanning as Alex Pooh-Bear (add lots of curls)

Stephen Dorff as Jamie the ex-bf pothead moron who is Alex's father.


David Schwimmer as Dondi the ex-husband father of Lauren who is a cop and knows nothing about plumbing (ok make him blonde, blue eyed and balding) and who can't stop going to school

Tyne Daly as Rita Fajita, the smart levelheaded big sister

Brenda Fricker as Elaine, the oldest sister who is special.

Grizzly Adams as Bud, the brother and head of the construction empire. (ok shave his head and take a little off the beard)

That guy from the Capital One commercials as Jacob, Rita's son

Helena Christensen as Andrea, Elaine's daughter

Lizzy Caplan (Mean Girls) as Sarah, Rita's daughter

Jim Gaffigan (Hyde's boss at the restaurant on That 70's Show, and a stand up comic) as Josh, Elaine's son.

Jessica Simpson as Melissa, Josh's former main squeeze. (make her a LOT smarter and she does not dress like this)

Clay as Tracy, the next door neighbor who's house keeps catching on fire.