Monday, May 09, 2005

Pat Mustard & the Milky Cuppa Tea

Song for the Day: Up There- South Park Bigger Longer & Uncut

Fun Links of the Day:
Woody's World of
Penis Euphemisms!
Tom Cruise is a midget. Proof
There are no words that can accurately describe Rosie’s
acting genius.

Local News from the WWofJ:
We got up Saturday morning and left for Raleigh, leaving behind our little ho-dunk town for some culture and good eats. I wish I could say the trip was loads of fun, but we spent most of our time either lost or waiting for a table at The Cheesecake Factory. Whenever James missed a turn he blamed us all for it, even though he was the one driving. Apparently when someone in the car is talking or breathing he can’t think straight, but the radio doesn’t affect him. I will give him credit though, we always managed to reach our destination, even though it took us 45 minutes to reach a hotel that was right across the road from us.

We went shopping at the mall first, and Alex picked out a bubble gun and some Incredibles figures at the Disney Store, Lauren got a frog habitat at the Discovery Store, and I got a red quilt and some room spray at Pottery Barn. For lunch we ate at the
Cheesecake Factory which was very good, although their chairs are made for tiny people with small asses which unfortunately does not include me. I had a cheeseburger and a Boston salad, Lauren had pizza, Alex had chicken tenders, and James ordered something fancy that cost more than mine and Lauren’s put together. The Boston salad I ordered was very very good unfortunately it lingered with me all day, and I spent the rest of the evening burping garlicky ranch dressing w/a hint of bleu cheese and trying to avoid the grimacing of those caught downwind.

Beauty & the Beast was excellent, especially Belle (played by Lauren Kennedy) who had a lovely singing voice, Gaston (Greg Goodbrod) and Doormat (Robbie Roby who was AMAZING). Mrs Potts (Jeanne Lehman) sounded exactly like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted

and The Beast (Alan Campbell) reminded me of Satan in the South Park movie

I kept expecting him to burst into “Up There”. We all really enjoyed it although Alex grew a bit weary in the last act. There were a few songs included that weren’t in the Disney movie, and a few new jokes as well.

Our hotel was pretty nice, we were on the 11th floor which was interesting. There was some kind of Miss NC pageant and a Clogging convention going on Saturday, and I was very intrigued at all the cloggers we ran into. I never knew clogging was such a phenomenon but there were thousands of people there at this convention. Most of them were wearing their I LOVE CLOGGING shirts and there were tables everywhere in the lobby laid out with socks, stickers, shirts, hats, you name it, all emblazoned with the catchy I LOVE CLOGGING slogan. The guys looked gay. As we were leaving the hotel Saturday night we could hear the cacophony of a thousand hooves clogging in harmony. It seemed like a bizarre cult to me.

Sunday we ate at the Cheesecake Factory for brunch, and for some reason none of our meals came out at the same time. Alex’s came out first. Then 20 minutes later Lauren’s and James’s food came out, then about 10 minutes after that, mine finally arrived. The manager came to our table and offered us 4 free desserts since we had received our meals separately. Cool. Although the lunch the previous day was excellent, I can’t say the same for their breakfast foods. Alex’s bacon was black, and they also burned my English muffin to the point it was nearly unchewable. James drank a mixed drink and got sick *dumbass* so he went out to the car while we went shopping. In the Body Shop I picked up some foot spray for Alex’s stinky piggies (note to self, do not buy this child any more leather sandals), a scented oil diffuser thingie to scent the house, some facial mask and a bunch of bath salts and bubbles in their White Musk scent which I find very relaxing. We also stopped at Hallmark where Alex picked out yet another Ty Stuffed Animal which had the unfortunate name of Fitz. After arguing in the back seat over the name, I think they finally decided on either Cappuccino or Caramel. (For some reason on Saturday, Alex kept repeating the word Cappuccino over and over. I have no idea where she heard that.) Lastly we went to Barnes and Noble (my fave) and I picked up quite a few books to read:

Then James drove us home and we all collapsed of exhaustion.
The cats didn’t seem to have even noticed we were gone.

Fun Stuff:

Bumper Stickers

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

So many cats.... So little time.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!

Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!

Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?

It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.

Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free

Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a
traffic jam.

Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Illiterate? Write for free help.

Take me drunk, I'm home.

Life is like a straw, it sucks.

Don't delay, paint today

I drive like this to piss you off!

"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter"

Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!

I may be slow but I'm in front of you.

Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!

You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.

I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?

DANGER: I drive like you do!

Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause

Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.

S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks

If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.

I don't drive fast I fly low

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If you can read this you're in range.

The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your actions.

It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean.

Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.

Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you.

Study long study wrong.

Blow your nose, your horn works fine.

My karma ran over my dogma.

I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.

I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.

Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.

Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.

Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So
they wouldn't shit on stage.

Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.

Everything Is Somewhere.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure...

I love cats.....they taste just like chicken.

I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.


If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!

Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.

I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD. off your teeth.

Clean up America. Shoot a redneck!

I 'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my
head that far up my ass.

House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?

I left the womb for this

I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.

The more I learn, the less I understand.

I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.

If you can read this, I am parked.

I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I'm objective; I object to everything.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Life is a terminal disease.

Conserve water - Shower with a friend

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.