Wednesday, May 04, 2005

make kittens wear helmets

more kittens in danger. courtesy of B3TA

Poncie was one kitten who put safety first.

Song for the Day: Suffering- Satchel

Fun Links of the Day:
Finally a
good use for it.
This woman is not only stupid, she is BLIND
The Shining with Bunnies.

Local News from the Wicked World of Jules:
I received the FEDEX package, it was the
Alienware backpack Lauren won from Dairy Queen, and it is NICE. Also included was a poster, some cool Alienware stickers, and $10 in gift certificates to Dairy Queen. Also yesterday I received an email that I have won this:

from DVD Empire in an online sweepstakes. So apparently I am going to be pigging out at Dairy Queen, then frantically doing exercise videos to undue the damage, all the while staring at the empty Alienware backpack which longs to be filled.

Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk .

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:

1.Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.


36 politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.


101 Things Not to Say During Sex

1. Is that smell coming from you?
2. You're so much like your sister....

3. Your mom's cute.
4. What's your name again?
5. Do i have to be here in the morning?
6. But everybody looks funny naked!
7. You woke me up for that?
8. Did I mention the video camera?
9. Do you smell something burning?
10. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
11. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
12. Can you please pass me the remote control?
13. Do you accept Visa?
14. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
15. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
16. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
17. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
18. Do you get any premium movie channels?
19. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
20. Got any penicillin?
21. But I just brushed my teeth...
22. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
23. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
24. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
25. I think you have it on backwards.
26. When is this supposed to feel good?
27. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
28. You're good enough to do this for a living!
29. Is that blood on the headboard?
30. Did I remember to take my pill?
31. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
32. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
33. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
34. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
35. No, really... I do this part better myself!
36. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
37. This would be more fun with a few more people..
38. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
39. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
40. You look younger than you feel.
41. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
42. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
43. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
44. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
45. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
46. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
47. What tampon?
48. Have you ever considered liposuction?
49. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
50. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
51. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
52. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
53. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
54. Is that a hanging sculpture?
55. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
56. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
57. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
58. Did you come yet, dear?
59. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
60. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
61. Does this count as a date?
62. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
63. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
64. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really

like...Woman: Yourself?
65. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
66. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
67. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
68. Sorry but I don't do toes!
69. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
70. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
71. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
72. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
73. Is this a sin too?
74. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
75. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
76. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
77. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
78. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
79. Is it in?
80. That's it?
81. You've got to be kidding me.
82. (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
83. Do i have to pay for this?
84. Do i have to call you tomorrow?
85. Oh momma, momma!
86. i thought that goes in the other hole....
87. You look better in the dark.
88. Don't tell my husband/wife.
89. You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
90. This sucks.
91. Can you finish now? i have a meeting...
92. I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
93. I think you might get the job for this.
94. Damn! is that all you know what to do.
95. Did I tell you, i have herpes?
96. Hurry up, the games about to start.
97. zzzzzzzzzzzz.
98. Are you trying to be funny?
99. Can i have a ride home after this?
100.By the way, i want to break up.
101. Haven't you ever done this before?
102. Wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
103. Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
104. A second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
105. You're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
106. Can we order a pizza?
107. I think my dad is listening at the door.
108. Smile for the camera, honey!!!
109. Take off that damn monkey glove!!
110. Get your hand out of there!!
111. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
112. I knew you wore a padded bra!!
113. Cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
115. Fire one!
116. God, that is small!!
117. Hold on, let me change the channel...
118. Who smells like fish?
119. Is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
120. Your best-friend does it much better.
121. Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
122. You're fogging up the wind-shield.
123. Can i borrow 5 bucks?
124. What the hell noise was that?!
125. Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
126. Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
127. You know, you're not really attractive.
128. I'm sorry, i was not listening.
129. What, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!
130. Stop interrupting me!!
131. I have to take a crap.
132. Did i leave the iron on?
133. Your breath is funky.
134. It's ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.
135. God i wish you were a real woman.
136. Why can't you ever shave your legs?
137. By the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog....
138. Oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shoot.
139. Your breast milk is like my mom's....
140. You're hairy!!
141. Is it o.k. if i never see you again?
142. Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
143. Don't make that face at me!
144. All of a sudden i have a headache.
145. You're boring.
146. How much do i owe you?
147. How come we each have a penis?
148. Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
149. Just use your finger, its bigger.
150. Does your family have to watch?
151. We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
152. Get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
153. You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
154. The only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
155. My mom taught me this.....
156. How cute... peach fuzz!
157. Damn girl! My breasts are bigger than yours!
158. Should i ask why you're bleeding?
159. This is my pet rat, larry....
160. I haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker!
161. I was once a woman...
162. Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
163. No i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!
164. Is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?
165. I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
166. You wanted me to use a condom?
167. You're no better than my brother!!
168. Mooooo!!
169. Fire in the hole!!!
170. I wanna see how many quarters i can fit in there.
171. Hurry up, i'm late for a date.
172. OK start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
173. I'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?
174. Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
175. Did i tell you where my cold sore came from?
176. (Start reciting the 10 commandments).
177. I think I just crapped on your bed.
178. Of course I don't love you.
179. Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.