Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Ronald McDonald is EVIL

Thank God for Sparkles the Super Kitten who Kills Evil Clowns

Song for the Day: Irish Drinking Song- Denis Leary
We drink and we smoke and we drink and we die…HEY

Fun Links of the Day:
I am eagerly anticipating
this movie’s release. I only hope they do justice to CS Lewis’ vision. NOTE: Took a very long time to load and I have cable.
Ummmm.... DUH! First spunk, now this. What's next?
Blender interview with my fave fellow redhead Shirley Manson plus win an iPod and the new Garbage CD.

Local News from The Wicked World of Jules:
Weird Dream Last Night:
I dreamed I was in an old dark house that had secret passageways. I was walking down a hallway with flashlight in hand, and found a secret room that led to more passageways. I heard some movement around a corner and shone my light towards the noise. At first I could see nothing but then my eyes saw something small on the floor walking toward me. Like a tiny person about 5” tall. As the figure grew closer I saw it was Ronald McDonald and he was holding a red pin or dart in his hand. I said “are you a nice Ronald McDonald or an evil one?” He said “nice” real slowly and creepily. Then he lunged for my hand and stabbed me with the red pin thing. It hurt so fucking bad I screamed and kicked Ronald across the room. I dropped my flashlight and started running down a dark hallway when I heard wings fluttering and a musical sound in front of me. There was an orb in front of me glowing a soothing blue color. Suddenly it turned into a tiny fairy. She was beautiful and she was wearing a flowing white gown that was iridescent and sparkled. I felt comforted by her prescence. She motioned to my hand that was injured and she sprinkled something on it. Miraculously the injury was healed good as new. After that I got into my car and we were driving through the woods looking for more faiires…we had the headlights off and we were going to drive deep into the woods and then turn the bright lights on and theoretically blind the fairies and render them immobile, so we could catch them or something. Well we stopped the car and turned on the lights. Instead of fairies there were goldfish swimming in the air, along with bright shiny specks of dust swirling all around me. We tried to catch the goldfish, but then I reasoned that surely we must be underwater and need air. That’s when I woke up.
Anyone who has any interpretations please let me know. And no, I did not eat anything weird last night. I had a hot dog. I do know that when you dream of exploring a house, it is really your own self that you are exploring and hidden rooms and passageways would be parts of myself that I don’t want to face or something. That could be anything, I am filled with self-loathing. I have had similar dreams before of finding secret rooms in old houses. I also have recurring dreams of tornadoes and being caught in their path with nowhere to run. Why can’t I dream I am in Paradise Island sitting on the beach with Kiefer Sutherland to my left and James Spader to my right and they keep handing me pina coladas and rubbing me with oil?? Gosh darn it.

Fun Stuff:

Chinese Proverbs
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
22. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
23. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
24. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
25. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
26. Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.
27. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
28. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
29. Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
30. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.


Why God made moms

(Answers given by 2nd grade school children)

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.


Church Bulletin Bloopers:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy..

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."