Tuesday, May 03, 2005

i am arnold to have fwee owange kittens

Pookie and Snookums share a romantic moment, unaware of their imminent demise. Help save kittens from falling asteroids; make them wear protective helmets.

Song for the Day: Lap Dance- NERD

Fun Links of the Day:
Doggy Suicide.awww this is so cute
cruelty to veggies.
create your own
South Park Character

Local news from the Wonderfully Wicked World of Jules:
In case you are wondering about the title today, it is something Lauren and I say to pick on James. He has trouble pronouncing certain words, like Honored, Three, and Orange. We don’t know why but we assume it is because he is mildly retarded. Hehe. He also likes to add extra vowels to words, like nervious or jealious. I try to remain calm when he does this, but it’s not easy. Spelling errors are like fingernails on the chalkboard of my sanity. ARGH! The scariest thing of all: he is going to become a cop. Well a sheriff deputy *cough*.
My dad called me yesterday (from the hospital) and he must have been on some GOOD drugs. He talked about money for a little while, then he said “ Things are crazy in here today”. I said “Oh really, how come?” He says “There are all these women in here walking around naked.” Then he hung up on me. LOL. At least he is having pleasant hallucinations! Today he has requested that someone bring him his ‘good-smellin stuff’ (Polo cologne), I guess in case one of the nekkid women come up close.
Alex stopped by to see me also, she said that she wanted to come home last night before bed but her daddy wouldn’t let her. I told her I was going to kick her Daddy’s ass. She thought that was funny, then she proceeded to grab my neck. You see, Alex has a thing about necks. When I was breastfeeding her (sorry guys, I just lost all my male readers with that word didn’t i) she used to grab my boob and squeeze it to comfort herself. Well after I weaned her of it, she migrated upwards and now she squeezes necks to relax. She squeezes everyone’s necks, but has a particular preference for mine (either because I am her mum or because my neck is fleshy and soft, who knows) Anyway, it is a funny habit of hers, especially when she calls me from her grandma’s in the middle of the day to ask how “her neck” is doing and then proceeds to breathe heavily. She is a strange child, but God knows I love her.

Boots the owange cat peed on my bed last night. Not only the sheets, but also the quilt AND the comforter. It was 11pm last night before everything was dry and I could go to bed. Damn cats.
Remember long distance call Lauren made Sunday night? It was to CANADA. ARGH. On the plus side, Lauren and Alex actually got along well yesterday afternoon. They jumped on the trampoline, rode bikes, Lauren pushed her in the wheelbarrow, and they took a bath together. I commented on how well they were getting along, and Lauren said “Yeah wonder how long that will last.”. I hope it lasts through the weekend at least (our family trip to Raleigh to see Beauty and the Beast). I booked a hotel right across from Crabtree Mall, so we can do mucho shopping. :)
I got home from work yesterday to find a FEDEX door tag. Since I am a sweepstaker, I got real excited. Whatever it is, it HAS to be signed for, weighs 5 lbs and came from Miami. The Reference only said MOBIL ALIEN BPAP which leads me to believe that it could be the Alienware backpack that Lauren won from Dairy Queen a few months ago, but I could be wrong.

I just hit preview and when I closed it everything I had typed was gone. Blogger, you SUCK! Also I was interrupted 17 times whilst trying to write this, and it took me several attempts to publish the post. Not my day.

Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net:


I borrowed this from Inside The Actor's Studio. It's fun.
1. What's your favorite word? serendipity
2. What's your least favorite word? cunt
3. What turns you on? Humor and intelligence
4. What turns you off? Lies, vanity
5. What sound do you like? Thunder & rain
6. What sound do you hate? Alarm clock
7. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Spa and four star restaurant critic
8. What profession would you not like to participate in? Britney Spears personal assistant.
9. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Hidey Ho!

Old Geezer

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."


More things to think about...

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up
with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for the final.

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

* Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

* Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* Clones are people two.

* If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

* Go ahead and take risks .... just be sure that everything will turn out

* No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

* As I said before, I never repeat myself!

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

* If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

* Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

* I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

* So what's the speed of dark?

* After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

* Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

* If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

* Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come abbreviated is such a long word?

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?

* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?


Too tired

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long
grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting
for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.
She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch
where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."
"How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear,
"Shall we do 69?"
"I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.
"Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.
"You do me, and I'll owe you one."


Priest sipping vodka...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!


My friend Margaret emailed this to me:

You know you're living in 2005 when....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )