Wednesday, May 11, 2005

piercing the pessimistic balloon of fate

More kittens in danger. If only they had worn their helmets like Poncie.

See what happens??

(pics courtesy of B3TA)

Song for the Day: The Ballad of Lemmiwinks
Freedom from the ass of doom is the treasure you will win!

Quote for the Day:
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." Roseanne Barr

Fun Links of the Day:
Find out what color your
kids’ eyes will be:
Vibrator for kids...Alex would really like to have this.(courtesy of Thighs Wide Shut)
After reading the headlines lately and wondering how on earth a human could harm their own child, it is so nice to read something positive like this. Moral: People suck, dogs rule.

Local News from the Not-So-Wonderful Wicked World of Jules:
I have a raging headache today, so bear with me as I bitch.
I think I am in the minority here, but I do not find anything funny about pictures of morbidly obese people. Especially if they are women and they are scantily clad. I have seen a lot of people post such pics on blogs, with insulting captions that I assume were meant for a laugh. I find these pictures both sad and horrifying. I have struggled my whole life with my weight, as has nearly every member of my immediate family. Yes I got the genes from HELL when it comes to metabolism. Luckily my two daughters have inherited their father’s metabolisms and not mine. I also found nothing amusing in the movie Shallow Hal. I thought it was condescending and insulting. I know… I know… the message was a good one, its “what’s inside that counts”. But they went to extremes, I mean a metal chair collapsed under her girth? Come on. It pissed me off. Gwyneth said when she put on the fat suit and walked into a bar, not one person made eye contact with her. She felt invisible. It is sad to be unable to buy clothing you like. It is sad to feel embarrassed 24/7. It is not fun being fat.
Anyway, you will find no humiliating pics of fat people on this here blog. Fat Pets? Hell Yeah. Adorable kittens in perilous situations? You got it. Pics of happy fun balls being taunted? You betcha sweet ass.
If I wanted to see an extremely fat person all I gotta do is look in the freakin mirror.
I’m going to the gym. *sigh*
In other news, I won some makeup today from Stila. Cool, hehe. Lip liner and lip gloss worth $30. Yay me.

Fun Stuff:

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,will prevent you from rolling over and going back tosleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse. "I want to get weighed," replied Amber. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," Amber responded. By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."