out of the mouths of your offspring...
Current mood: bored
I was just thinking about some funny stuff my kids have said in the past that have amused or embarrassed me.
When Lauren was around two yrs old, I had been listening to Denis Leary's song ASSHOLE in the car (hey, its a good song!) and well you know how kids are, they absorb everything. We were in the grocery store and I was pushing her in the cart and all of a sudden she starts singing (quite loudly may I add) "I'm an asshole!!" My face was like this: . Then, there is part of the song where they spell out the word, "A-S-S-H-O-L-E everybody!" and to my amazement she sat right there and spelled it out. At that point I just started laughing cause she was two years old and she had just spelled her first word and it was ASSHOLE. Yes I am such a wonderful parent!
Then around the same time, I was driving through the Burger King drive thru and her car seat was in the front. I ordered her a kids meal and got to the window and sat my purse next to me and grabbed some money. The cashier comes to the window and Lauren goes, "HEY! MOM!" I turn and look and she has grabbed a tampon out of my purse. "THIS GOES UP YOUR BUTT!"
I turned about 10 shades of red because of COURSE I had a male cashier and he saw the whole thing.
Alex hasn't really embarrassed me that much, although one time we were out in public around a group of people, and she said "SHIT!"
I chastised her, which prompted her to respond "but you say that all the time!" OOPS!
She has always been a little too smart for her own good. Lauren was freakishly strong as a child and Alex was very advanced verbally. She spoke her first word and then the next week she was saying sentences. And she hasn't shut up since. When she was only 4 we were in the car listening to a song called "Perfect Day" and she looked at me and said "I think this is sarcastic". I had no idea she was capable of grasping that concept. I'm sure lots of examples of funny things she has said will come to mind after I hit "post" on this blog but at the moment this one which occured when she was around 6 comes to mind:
We were in the pet store buying supplies (we have a lot of animals) and we were looking at the cute little bunnies, "awww!" and the little puppies "OMG SO CUTE!" and then the kittens "how precious!" and I was just oohing and aahing over them all. Alex looks at me with a serious expression and says, "See, this is why I could not work here."
I go, "Yeah right! Cause you'd want to take all the cute animals home! I know!" She looked at me and with deadpan manner, said "no, I meant because it stinks." I was laughing so hard I was doubled over in the aisle.
In other news, I had a weird dream the other night and Lauren said I should share it cause it was kinda funny. I was not taking drugs, either! (just bc pills and honestly I don't know why I bother!)
I had taken Alex to the Sanitary (which is the restaurant jimmy works in, yes that is really the name of it) and she was wearing a monkey costume (wtf?). Jimmy seated us at a table near the window because he said it would give us a good view of the show. I was like, "Show? What kinda show?" Jimmy assured us that we would enjoy it and to sit back and relax. The view out of the window was of an aquarium that was full of sharks. We had just started eating and the show began. Some people on the deck above began throwing animals into the aquarium. A bear, a lion, and some other animals. They were all fighting to the death in the water and blood was flying everywhere. I shielded Alex's eyes. Jimmy came over to our table and acted pissed off that we were not enjoying the show. Then he began demanding that I return his towels because his ex gf was getting suspicious about where the towels were and apparently he had left them at my house. (To clarify Jimmy has never even been to my house and I do not have his towels). I told him I would look when I got home but I was staying at the beach that week. He got mad and stormed off. Alex and I walked outside to the deck where the next show was about to start, and she promptly jumped into the aquarium with the sharks. I screamed and pulled her out and jimmy ran over and said "What the hell is wrong with your child?" I said I didn't know and went inside to pay. Jimmy had marked my ticket paid but I told him "Hell no. I am paying for this." He was trying to close the restaurant and was very impatient and unfortunately I didn't have any cash so I was trying to write a check and he was making me nervous and I kept making it for the wrong amount. Then I overheard him saying he needed money for a magazine subscription, and I muttered that I get all my magazines for free (true). He heard me and walked over and started being nice and asking me for free magazines. I walked outside to an old truck to leave and as I was about to get in, I heard a very deep, creepy voice say my name. I looked all around but couldn't see who had said it. Then the alarm went off and I woke up.
Feel free to send interpretations.
Also, they say when your nose itches someone is talking about you, when your palm itches you are going to receive money. What does it mean when your belly button itches?
Have a great hump day people.
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Release date: 2000-04-25