Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Can I just FF to January Please

I am sooo not looking forward to the holidays. Ever since my mom died, each year has gotten progressively worse, and I really dread this year. Much as I hate to admit, I am missing James. I have been up and down, some days I am angry, some days I hate him, and some days I would give anything for him to come back. The last 2 days have been the latter, unfortunately. I missed him terribly last night and would have given anything for him to be there holding me. I havent felt very good the past few days, everything I eat makes me sick, I am totally dehydrated and my face is peeling, I look about 100 yrs old. I feel fat and unwanted and just wish I could be happy again. It hurt me that he seems to have moved on and doesnt miss me. I check my email every 5 minutes hoping to see one from him but it never comes, and I really don't know what I would say if it did. I have been hurt so many times. I just want a secure committed relationship where I dont have to worry constantly what he is thinking, cause he will TELL ME when something is wrong. Without communication, there is nothing. I'd love to have the knowledge that there will always be someone at the door to greet me and kiss me at the end of the day. My kids, friends and the numerous pets at my house ensure that I will never be alone but at the end of the day, when I get under the covers, I feel utterly alone. Why does love have to hurt so bad?
To top off my wonderful week, Alex has been acting so awful I thought I would have to call an exorcist. I took the kids out to eat last night just to get out of the house, and she was running around, screaming and even ran into the kitchen! Her aunt works there so its not quite as bad as it sounds , but still. I wanted to crawl under something. She has been having screaming fits about her hair, I'm tempted to shave her head.I have to wrap presents today for her birthday party Thursday night (her real bday is Friday but we decided to do the party Thurs). She is having a Minnie Mouse party this time.(At least its not Disney Princess again) I am sooo looking forward to that. (sigh) Jamie got her a barbie jeep and put it together last night, so I doubt Alex will ever want to come home with me again. Also I have to take Boots and Moonpie in to the vet Thursday for shots which ought to be fun.Life goes on no matter what shape you're in.