Friday, April 22, 2005

i can hear the jungle drums faintly in the distance. no wait, that is just my stomach.

Song for the Day: I Think I Need a Bandaid- Trout Fishing in America

Fun Links of the Day:
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Crappie World. Cause we all know the world really is crappy.
Yeah, I simply must have these.

Local News from the Wicked World of Jules: This week has been long and tiresome and I am so glad its almost over. My accomplishments this week include: completing the Blender crossword puzzle, working out at the gym twice, and cleaning my kitchen. Also I received my pink prada messenger bag, which is TINY and unable to hold my crap. I will, however, gladly use it on weekends to impress people I do not know.

Fun Stuff I Stole Off The Net:

Good Advice
1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet
2. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple car payments
3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day
4. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
5. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket
8. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
10. If you lend somebody $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it

Blonde sex
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Women's words

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes towatch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This is "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in 'Fine' GO AHEAD...
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH... This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'Nothing'
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. 'That's Okay' means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Oh, and before we forget ...
it's a woman's way of saying F*#$ YOU!

Anyone for some Freakin' Cheerios?
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You Know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm Gonna say something with hell and you say something with 'ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what He wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, Gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with A stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

Bad marketing translations
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with their campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can'tread.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela encuero) in Spanish.
13. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
14. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
15. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - FeelingFree," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
16. Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the name plates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
17. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
18. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

Black Boxes Installed in 4X4's
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "OH SHIT!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this...

Friendship among women:

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:
A Man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house.
The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

In case you didn't already know this
1. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.(a green olive will do the same thing in a glass of beer)

2. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
5. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2" - (we THOUGHT so!)
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur" - a small red car can be seen in the distance and Heston's wearing a watch. (despite those glaring errors, the Academy gave that movie 11 Oscars)
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w the film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's, "Born in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with any stick wider than your thumb. (a varmits salvation...)
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Correction: Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet, not blue. 23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. (Don't think I'll be testing this theory anytime soon.)
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. (I'm pleased, but why couldn't it be chocolate?!)
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson." (So there!)
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing. (Thank God! Those brazen hussies!)
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from the public library.