Tuesday, April 19, 2005

this poo is cold

Points to lone turdball lying on living room floor...

Song for the Day: "Special"-Garbage

Fun links of the Day:
Drunk Monkeys
Cause Chaos
Gettin jiggy with it
Wonder what its like to be on drugs?

Fun Searches This Week That Led to my Site:
"Dishwasher got a bacterial infection at work" -msn search.
"Is Kelly Clarkson Pregnant?" -yahoo search
"Kelly Clarkson Cleavage" - yahoo search
"Polly Pockets Paradis" -google uk
"Rachael Ray Panties" -yahoo search

Local News from the Wicked World of Jules:

My daughter Lauren has a list of about 30 rules posted on her bathroom door. Most are pretty basic, such as: flush toilet, wash hands, no smoking....etc. however, I found two rules quite amusing:
Do not talk to inanimate objects.
Do not get into tub unless you plan to use it.

Speaking of tubs, the other night I was taking a nice relaxing bubble bath, when Alex (the lil princess) came running into the bathroom crying. "What's wrong, pooh bear?" I asked. "My finger hurts when I put this on it" she said teary-eyed, handing me a clothespin. *sigh*

Fun Stuff I Stole off the 'Net:

Olympic sex
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
"Why don't you wear Silver," answers his wife.
"it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Dining out - Adult
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs, "I am."
The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Buying condoms
A man walks up to the drugstore counter and asks for some condoms. The man behind the counter tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4. So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs him by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says,"Medium condom. Medium condom." Well the man is very embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condoms. Later, a second man goes up to the counter to get some condoms. The druggist tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4. Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,"Large condom, this man needs a large condom." The man is quite pleased, and goes to pick up his condoms. Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to buy some condoms for the very first time. He's told to go see Edna is aisle 4. Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,"Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."

And then there was that paint can!

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult! However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust andhad my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," advised the pastor.
"We know," assented the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close, and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

Poem for the Day:

Thinking in Bed
Dennis Lee

I'm thinking in bed,
Cause I can't get out
Till I learn how to think
What I'm thinking about;
What I'm thinking about
Is a person to be--
A sort of a person
Who feels like me.

I might still be Alice,
Excepting I'm not.
And Snoopy is super,
But not when it's hot;
I couldn't be Piglet,
I don't think I'm Pooh,
I know I'm not Daddy
And I can't be you.

My breakfast is waiting.
My clothes are all out,
But what was that thing
I was thinking about?
I'll never get up
If I lie here all day;
But I still haven't thought,
So I'll just have to stay.

If I was a Grinch
I expect I would know.
But I don't think so.
There's so many people
I don't seem to be--
I guess I'll just have to
Get up and be me.