Monday, May 02, 2005

don't hop on Pop, he just got out of surgery

what's a girl got to do to get a little privacy? Posted by Hello

Song for the Day:
It’s All Over But the Crying- Garbage

Fun Links of the Day:
Put down the
burrito and no one will get hurt.
These are beautiful...
Yeah, Babeeeeeee It's electronic, supersonic. oh yeah.

Local News from the Wicked World of Jules:
My Dad is in the hospital, he has been there for a week now. First they thought he had hepatitis, but turns out he didn’t. Saturday they discovered that his gallbladder was diseased and would have to be removed. When they got in there to remove it, it was GANGRENE and slam full of stones. If they hadn’t removed it when they did it would have burst. I went to the hospital Sunday morning and sat with him for a few hours. He was asleep and snoring loudly when I got there, so I took a seat on the couch and read this book:

which was good. Then I got spooked when the motion sensor paper towel dispenser suddenly dispensed some paper. I was nowhere near the thing and Dad was passed out. You have to walk right up to it and put your hand in front of the thing for it to work, so something had to have moved in front of it. *shudder* I briefly contemplated calling Grant and that bald guy to come investigate.
When Dad woke up around 11 am, he was back to his old self, talking about money, women, and food. First he said he wanted a steak and offered the cleaning woman $100 to get him one. Then he said he wanted Thanksgiving dinner with turkey and everything. Then he started asking me if he had got any checks in the mail. And finally he said he was going to get his pecker fixed and find him a woman. TMI, Dad. My sisters came by and took me out for lunch, so I had a pretty good day. Up until I got home, that is. Last night Lauren made another long distance call. She has internet, she has a headset with microphone, she chats all day long. So there is no need for her to be making long distance calls to some weirdo she met online. I was PISSED off. Then Jamie was supposed to bring Alex to me last night, but he never called me. Around 9pm I called and he said she was staying with him again. I flipped out. He said he didn’t think I would care. EXCUSE ME? I am about to open a can of whoop ass on that tattooed pothead. He does not need to push me. I am a redhead, and believe me I have a temper. It’s not a myth.

Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net:
Received this first one via email from
Silk, (what a sweetie!)

Drivers Education Exam Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?



10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


By My Side
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."


My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.
Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air.
Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife