“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.” You are luved!
Note: I've had some emails that my poem is depressing and pessimistic. Obviously you can see that the last two stanzas are, in fact, about enjoying what little time I have left. So there.
Guilty as charged Jules, i did come out with every cliche in the book . Hey but your still breathing or you were when i wrote this. Any way the life expectancy is 80' ish in developed countries so your only halfway to meeting your maker.....loads more fun to have you just need a good man to show you that 40+ women are still attractive (i think they are nicer than than young ones). so lets concentrate on the positives and ignore the negatives xxx
Okay. I truly enjoyed the poem but I have a few questions. One did my dear uncle actually say that to you and two would you really want to be someone's wifey? I love you! You are beautiful and you will always stay young because you have always been young at heart.
1. When's the last time you held a baby? My last two ex bf's had baby-sized penises. Does that count? If so, August 2007.
2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? No but if a man walked in here right now wearing a pair, his would.
3. What book are you reading right now? How to make a Sandwich. By some fat chick.
4. Is your lipgloss poppin'? Poppin? How did you guess? I buy LOVE-SHOCK LIPGLOSS in "High Voltage". When I kiss a man, the stun he receives is enough to render him senseless for several moments. That gives me plenty of time.
5. When is the last time you saw the person you like? Last night in my dreams.
7. Can you dance? Just enough to embarrass myself thoroughly.
8. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? I prefer 9 or 10.
9. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back? OH HELL NO I wish God would take them back.
10. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would you do? All my days are lazy days, but I'd do what I always do. Close the curtains, turn off the lights, and hide in my bathtub in the fetal position.
11. Who's the last person that texted you? Andrea
12. Have you ever been on your school's track team? They didn't have one back then.
13.Do you own a pair of converse? I had a pair of pink high tops once
14.Do you have a gay/lesbian friend? Yes they're tons o'fun
15. Do you eat raw cookie dough? No I'm on a diet.
16. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? I prefer to punch it, wouldn't want to damage my pedicure.
17. Don't you hate when the radio fuzzes when good songs come on? Who listens to radio anymore?
18. Do you watch Trading Spaces? No
19. Are you competitive? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Do you wanna arm wrestle about it?
20. Could you live without a computer? No unfortunately I am connected to one and its controlling all my bodily functions. Without it, I would collapse into a coma and die.
21. Have you gone to school or are you a dropout? I didn't finish college. I had the calling....to be a dumbass.
22. Is anyone on your bad side now? No I'm alone
23. What jewelry are you wearing? Heart ring, my new diamond necklace, and an inspirational band
24. What's the first thing you do when you get online? See who's been to my page
25. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Not lately
26. How do most people spell your name? Sorry Jeanie I misspelled it earlier. Believe it or not , I've had someone spell my name JULY. moron.
27. Would you wear your boyfriends/girlfriends clothes? Since he doesn't exist, sure. I can wear invisible clothes.
28. What are you doing tomorrow? Burying the toenail clippings and some various other ingredients beneath the light of the full moon.
29. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Depends who I married and how funny his last name was.
30. When is the last time you left your house? I never leave the house, I'm attached to this computer remember?
31. Do you return your cart? No I take them home and we have races in the backyard.
32. Do you have a dishwasher? Yes
33. What noise do you hear? My heart beating slowly and methodically. Its driving me batty.
34. Would you survive in prison? Oh yeah and you'd be my BIYATCH! J/k don't hurt me.
35. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you? I'm so there. SHOTGUN!
36. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Nope I've heard of other buttmuffins, but I've never met one.
38. Whats the last thing you ate? carrot sticks. blech.
39. what service do you have on your cell phone? Alltel
40. Whats your favorite tv show? Father Ted. and lately some of Little Britain. I've taken to walking around going "eh eh EH" just like Anne. Annoys the bejesus out of people.
41. Has any of your favorite shows been canceled? Yes Father Ted cause Ted died. :(
42. What brand are your pants right now? Fat Ass by Wide Load
43. What was your last beverage? Tequila
45. Whats your favorite drink? melted chocolate...sorry Jill has corrupted my fragile mind.
46. Do you like sushi? Yes
48. Do you go online every day? HELLO I'M HOOKED TO THIS MACHINE FOR LIFE SUPPORT
49. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? No I HATE kids. They're so dumb.
50. Do you know anyone that has changed your life? All of you.
1. Whats on your mind? The fact that whenever I tell a man I fancy him, he tries his best to become less attractive so that I will therefore leave him alone. Apparently I really AM hideous, and destined to become the crazy old cat lady. Perhaps I should embrace this fate and pay a visit to the pet shelter after work today and grab a few more cats. I mean, christ I only have 7 at the moment.
2. Where is your biological father right now? Deceased.
3. Have you ever made out on a plane? I tried but once again my advances were rebuffed. Hey there was turbulence and in a panic the stranger next to me grabbed my right thigh. What was I supposed to think? It was the most foreplay I'd had in years.
4. Which shoe do you put on first? Whichever one is closest.
5. What is the status of you and the last person you hugged? She's my kid and she's MENTAL!
6. Do you get distracted easily? What was the question? Sorry I was looking at a guy on a moped.
7. What's the last text you received say? Andrea was informing me that I'd arrive before her at the gym.
8. What does that last text say that you sent? I was leaving Otway heading to the gym. HOw EXCITING!
9. Have you ever kissed anyone named Amanda? No.
10. First time you kissed the last person you kissed? Since it was my daughter, the day she was born on 11/19/2000.
11. What was your childhood nickname? RED. Yes weren't my schoolmates AWFULLY clever!
12. What would you change about your life right now? There would be a hot man waiting in bed for me every evening. Ideally, a different one every night but whatever.
13. How do you feel about public displays of affection? GET A FUCKING ROOM PEOPLE. All sorts of romantic gestures and touching between two people should be kept HIDDEN! Unless I am the one participating of course.
14. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? Came up with the outline for my novel "that was my sandwich". Its almost finished.
15. Have you ever bitten your nails? No
16. Do you live alone? No two daughters and a multitude of animals.
17. Do you smoke? Not cigs
18. Can you keep a secret? Meh. Depends how exciting it is.
19. What was the best year of your life? I haven't had it yet. I'll let you know.
20. Do you have any strange phobias? Feathers.
21. Your favorite romantic movie is? Sliding Doors.
22. Are you happy with your living arrangement? NO
23. Have you ever played Twister? I tried naked twister once at a party but I kept injuring other people with my ginormous breasts so they made me go sit on the couch.
25. Last thing received in the mail? Toenail clippings in a brown envelope, from a PI I hired a few months ago. Its all part of one of my diabolical plots.
26. What color is your phone? at the moment, green with flowers, very retro 70's
27. Do you like your cellphone or do you want a new one? Its cool
28. Do you have trust issues? Hahahahahaha. Yes.
30. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles? No but I like to rip wallpaper off walls. I hate WALLPAPER!
31. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? BUD
32. Do you like to cuddle? For a little while, then leave me alone please.
33. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? Yes I always end up befriending my ex's gfs perhaps because we can share the horror stories.
34. What was the last advice someone gave you? LIFE BEGINS NOW. What a load of crap.
35. What was going through your mind during your last conversation? the price of bananas in Guatemala
36. Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad? Oh hell yes. I'm a scary bitch and don't you forget it!
37. Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forgive. I have a mind like a steel trap..or was it a rusty hinge?
38. Do you give out second chances too easily? In the past, obviously.
39. What is the most important thing in any relationship? Honesty
40. Kiss with your eyes open or closed? Depends who it is
41. Do you have a best friend? Yes several.
42. Are you happy for your last love? Yeah thrilled. What a bastard.
43. Do you trust people easily? Not really.
44. Would you live with someone without marrying them? Yes I wish he'd move in already
45. Ever had plans and broke them? No my word is the law and shall not be broken. Unless I see a puppy
46. Do you think your last ex is a player? Ha he'd like to think so, he's too fucking lame.
47. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you talk to alot? Yes but I wish we were more. *I've said too much*
48. Do you remember what you were like a year ago? A LOT fatter and more miserable.
49. Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying? Yes
50. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mr Froggie
51. Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink? Yes I had to shave rosebud last night so what better way than to throw one leg up on the kitchen counter?
52. Is it awkward when you run into ex's? Only if they struggle.
53. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Yes I still do just for fun.
54. Where did you last go? to hell, I'm back now. They were having a weenie roast.
1. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? not the ones on my face
2. Does a kiss make you feel better? depends who is doing it
3. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? no but I woke up on the ceiling once, that was fucking weird.
4. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? I like to experience the startling moment when the icy cold water hits my body...its exhilarating
5. What did you do today? the usual. masturbated, ate breakfast, went to work, put all kinds of Jim Sturgess stuff on myspace, emailed people, in a few I'm going to the gym to workout, then I'll eat supper, take a bath and masturbate once more just for fun.
6. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower? Yes, I also make salads in the shower..hey Kramer did it, so I figured WTH!
7. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? In my dreams. And they're all pirates.
8. Have you ever thought about your death? Yes lots when the kids are stressing me out.
10. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field? I'd like to have lots of permanent relationships simultaneously
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? men's nude mud wrestling. its one of those "Ugh OMG I can't look away" types of things.
12. What color is your shower curtain? neon colors that pulsate in time with an mp3 player
13. Have you ever had stitches? Yes haha *cooch* me 2 melissa..and my tongue and my eye from when I was little
14. How long ago did you hug someone? I hugged Laurie Sat night...she's a sweetie
19. What are you doing tomorrow? moving to Guam
21. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? Yes
22. Have you ever run over an animal? Must you remind me of the night that Mr Bunny met his maker thanks to me??? THE HORROR!
23. Whats your favorite cereal? Raspberry Granola by Galaxy Granola
24. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter? ewww yuck. no- I agree. I'll just take the peanut butter
25. What are you doing this moment? fondling kittens whilst filling out this survey
26. Would you kiss someone of the same sex for 100 bucks? heck yeah that would buy me a few items at lush.com!
27. Where’s your favorite place to be? in my bedroom
28. What’s your favorite song? at the moment, I've just seen a face by Jim Sturgess...oh the cuteness that is he!
29. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? coffee is a necessity for normal brain function, alcohol is a necessity for shaking my groove thang
30. Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire? No but its on my to-do list right up there with throwing frisbees on roofs
31. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Yes
32. Have you ever climbed up a water tower? Yes I drew a big strawberry on it.
33. Do you dream in black and white? only when I'm having those 60's flashbacks
35. Do you snore? *Lauren, Don't say a WORD!*
36. Have you ever thought about being a model? foot model, yes. see previously survey.
37. Are you a redneck? MOI?
38. Funniest thing you heard all day? Alex's silent cries of "HELP ME" when Jamie was kissing and hugging her goodbye
39. Have you ever gotten a mosquito bite on your face? I live in Otway, I've been bitten everywhere.
40. What are you afraid of? giant birds
43. Do you like someone? perhaps.
44. Do they know you like them? I think my constant stalking might be a giveaway.
