The Wonderfully Wicked World of Jules.
Where nothing is relevant.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Buttmuffin: The Movie. Part 5
Melissa: "YAY A case! WOO HOO!" She stops her naked kick-boxing session and goes to shower off and get ready. Three hours later, Laurie is finally done getting ready, so they can head off to start the case. Their last case wasn't as exciting, they spent three weeks on their hands and knees looking for a lost contact lens only to have the client call them up and say he'd discovered it was in his eye the whole time.
Jimmy looks around the dimly lit White Horse, wondering what the hell just happened. Rhoda has transformed back into a human and she nods at jimmy to have a martini. Jimmy who is quite shaken and stirred, grabs the glass from the bar and swigs it down quickly. Rhoda recites an incantation of some sort as Jimmy falls to the ground unconscious.
Meanwhile, Jules and Byron have another go after he has rested a bit, and this time thankfully he manages to last a few minutes. He mutters something about the teddy bear not meaning anything to him, and jules feels content and dozes off in his arms. As Byron sleeps, he has disturbing nightmares about his past
Matthew decides to drive around looking for that bastard Jimmy and his lost couch. He suddenly remembers he needs to text jules to remind her about the Birmingham Myspace Mixer the next night. Jules wakes up to her cell phone beeping and tries to read the text Matthew has sent. But his damn predictive text has messed up half the words, and the rest have been misspelled, so she has no clue whats he is on about.She looks over at Byron sleeping peacefully, but then her eyes glance over at the unzipped hello kitty backpack lying next to the bed. Curious, she lifts the covers and sees that Byron is clutching the teddy bear tightly in his arms and stroking it gently. Angrily she hops out of bed and phones Matthew to find out what his text was all about. She asks him to come pick her up immediately.
Laurie and Melissa hop into their car, an orange jaguar convertible. They're both heavily armed and they have a pic of their suspect .. "Boy that kick boxing has KICKED MY ASS!!" says Melissa. "BTW how is YOUR ass doing, Laurie?" "Its a little better, still hurts a bit." (she fell down stairs in a drunken stupor and injured her tailbone). Melissa starts laughing hysterically.
First they stop off at Matthew's flat to look for clues. "Well, come in girls" Matthew says in a sexy voice. "Have a look around, won't you. Be sure to look on the floor for any ...clues." *goes to thermostat and turns up heat as high as it will go* Before they can begin, Laurie's phone rings. They have received a tip that someone saw a person fitting Jimmy's description hiding behind a Lowe's Foods dumpster in the next town.
Jimmy wakes up and sees Rhoda standing over him looking quite pleased with herself. "Who are you?" asks Jimmy. "Shhhh" says Rhoda. "You will do as I bid now, my servant, and also, from now on you love cats. You will never hurt another kitty as long as you live." "Yes mistress I will do your bidding" responds Jimmy in a monotone voice. Rhoda glances into her crystal ball and sees Matthew talking on his mobile to jules. "That bloody bitch trying to steal my man, is she? Servant, your first mission is to KILL JULES!" "Okey Dokey" he replies as he walks out of the door into the night air.
Well if you're gonna be making up sex scenes for me, can I at least be virtually hung? I mean my actual package has changed very little since birth, and it would be in your best interest,too, since you're involved.
*aside* Jules... does it have to be cats? I cant stand the stinky things. They make my eyes sting. You should have seen me after being a cat all day yesterday... My eyes looked like racing dogs bollocks.
Cant it be a menacing black hamster? or a black frog? Arent black frogs poisonous? Id make a better frog I reckon...
*Rhoda strides onto the stage *ATCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO* Now Have you killed the evil bitch woman yet Jimmy? Stop lazing around there in the buff and get on with it!
Sorry Rhoda, I won't make you be a cat anymore. Menacing black hamster? Thats a scary thought innit?
In other news, your relief fund for toppled chair is not going so well. I can't get any good bands to play at the benefit concert. So far, I have an ABBA tribute band and a Tom Jones impersonator. help!
Its the one with the auburn hair Jimmy. You imbecile. I will have to get someone else under my spell I can see. So... are you really fat and yellow or are you handsome and fine? Maybe I will keep you for other purposes JImmy.