Local News from the Wicked World of Jules: Added a tagboard and music links to my sidebar, whoopadeefreakindoo!!! I have been answering phones all day, one idiot right after another. I am not a people-person. I want to go home, crawl in bed, watch 24 and snack. Unfortunately it is difficult to relax in my home. I have mentioned before the plethora of animals running amok through my house (5 cats, 2 dogs, a hamster and some fishies). The cats seem to know instinctively when I am stressed out and reaching the point of mental breakdown, and they respond by staging a simultaneous eruption of kitty insanity. They run from one end of the house to the other, knocking stuff off counters, spilling things, scratching things that shouldn't be scratched and destroying everything in their path. Then they puke on a rug or something and calm down. I hope everyone has the same peaceful relaxing weekend as I plan on having, once I throw all the animals in the yard and lock the doors. Fluffy and Cuddles had no idea there was an asteriod hurtling towards them. die, kitties, DIE mwahahahaha
Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net:
Good Advice from Maxine
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Six A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hotdogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.He leaned over and lovingly asked,"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.
"You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening (excuse me??), he will still get it wrong.
there are no pics of kevin federline scratching his ass on this blog
Song for the Day: Breathe by Anna Nalick I absolutely love this singer, she has a fresh unique voice and her cd is GREAT!!
Fun Links of the Day: To the pervs who are looking for Kelly Clarkson here are some pics for ya: Kelly in Bed Kelly looking sultry- I love that word. To those pervs who want to see Rachael Ray: courtesy of Thighs Wide Shut Courtesy of A Socialite's Life Hope y'all are happy now. (panties pic has been removed, thank GOD) Local News: My head hurts. I woke up at 5 am with one nostril completely stuffed up. I rolled over on my other side. The stuffy nostril cleared, and then the other one got stuffed up. This sucks. Thanks Lauren for giving me your cold. Who the F invented OVERTYPE?? Whoever came up with this heinous invention needs to be strung up, drawn and quartered and subjected to a Celine Dion concert and sprayed with her perfume. GAR!! I feel fat, useless, stupid, and ugly today. Who wants to play with me?? Let’s take off work and go to Busch Gardens. I want to ride the Roman Rapids ride over and over and then spend $5 on a coke. Sounds like fun doesn’t it?? I’m packing my shit.
Fun Stuff I Stole:
State Dinner
When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served was matzo ball soup. George W. looked at this and after learning what it was called, he told an aide that he couldn't eat such a gross and strange looking brew. The aide told George W. that Mr. Sharon would be insulted if he didn't, at least, taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate a sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitated, then swallowed. A big grin appeared on his face. He discovered that he really liked it, so he proceeded to dig right in and finish the whole bowl. "That was delicious!" Bush said to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?"
Aunt Karen The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty, enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Local News: Well I finally got caught up on my dailies and mail ins, and downloaded 100 songs onto my iPod. Went shopping at Hell-Mart Sat. night and bought Alex her first bra!!! It is a powerpuff girls bra/panty set and she is so cute wearing it!! Of course, being 4 years old she has absolutely no need for it whatsoever but its just so darn cute :) I also got her a Lizzie McGuire outfit that looks adorable on her. She is stylin! Unfortunately she is spending the night with her father so I will probably never see the bra/panties or the outfit ever again. :( He usually sends her back to me wearing something from last year that has holes in it.
Fun Searches this week that led to my site:
How I got commitment from a commitmentphobe. Yahoo search. Kelly Clarkson Pregnant. Yahoo Search. Kicking “Men’s Balls”. Google France. Kelly Clarkson Naked. Yahoo Search. Kelly Clarkson Panties. Yahoo Search. Hot panties. Blog search engine. Victoria’s Secret Model Breast Enlargement, Eh?. Google Canada.
Geez there are a lot of kinky bastards out there who like Kelly Clarkson and panties.
Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net:
Manners During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" ""I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper." The teacher fainted..
To those who take life too Seriously
Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember half the people you know are below average. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far so good. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Sperm Count An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
Signs
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" ******************************* On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." ************************** Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:" Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** At a Proctologist's door" To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck:" We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On a Plumber's truck:" Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." ************************** Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.We just want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet --miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don't, you will be." ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry,Come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait" ************************** At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."
Everything's wrong, Days are too long, Sunshine's too hot, Wind is too strong. Clouds are too fluffy, Grass is too green, Ground is too dusty, Sheets are too clean. Stars are too twinkly, Moon is too high, Water's too drippy, Sand is too dry. Rocks are too heavy, Feathers too light, Kids are too noisy, Shoes are too tight. Folks are too happy, Singin' their songs. Why can't they see it? Everything's wrong!
i can hear the jungle drums faintly in the distance. no wait, that is just my stomach.
Song for the Day: I Think I Need a Bandaid- Trout Fishing in America
Fun Links of the Day: Get your free subscription to Crappie World. Cause we all know the world really is crappy. Yeah, I simply must have these. DO IT.
Local News from the Wicked World of Jules: This week has been long and tiresome and I am so glad its almost over. My accomplishments this week include: completing the Blender crossword puzzle, working out at the gym twice, and cleaning my kitchen. Also I received my pink prada messenger bag, which is TINY and unable to hold my crap. I will, however, gladly use it on weekends to impress people I do not know.
Fun Stuff I Stole Off The Net:
Good Advice 1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet 2. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple car payments 3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day 4. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works 5. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it 6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket 8. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you 10. If you lend somebody $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
Blonde sex A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Women's words FINE... This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. FIVE MINUTES... If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes towatch the game before helping around the house. NOTHING... This is the calm before the storm. This is "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in 'Fine' GO AHEAD... This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. LOUD SIGH... This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'Nothing' THAT'S OKAY... This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. 'That's Okay' means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. THANKS... A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Oh, and before we forget ... WHATEVER... it's a woman's way of saying F*#$ YOU!
Anyone for some Freakin' Cheerios? A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You Know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm Gonna say something with hell and you say something with 'ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what He wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, Gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with A stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
Bad marketing translations 1. The Dairy Association's huge success with their campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." 3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick." 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can'tread. 6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine. 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). 8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant" 12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela encuero) in Spanish. 13. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. 14. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." 15. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - FeelingFree," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." 16. Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the name plates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. 17. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. 18. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
Black Boxes Installed in 4X4's The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "OH SHIT!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this...
Friendship Friendship among women: A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.
Friendship among men: A Man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.
In case you didn't already know this 1. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.(a green olive will do the same thing in a glass of beer) 2. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. 3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle. 4. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. 5. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. 6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. 7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2" - (we THOUGHT so!) 8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur" - a small red car can be seen in the distance and Heston's wearing a watch. (despite those glaring errors, the Academy gave that movie 11 Oscars) 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! 10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. 13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver. 14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before. 15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w the film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. 18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's, "Born in the USA." 19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. 20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with any stick wider than your thumb. (a varmits salvation...) 21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 22. Correction: Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet, not blue. 23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. (Don't think I'll be testing this theory anytime soon.) 24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. (I'm pleased, but why couldn't it be chocolate?!) 25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. 26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson." (So there!) 28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing. (Thank God! Those brazen hussies!) 29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher. 30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from the public library.
Fun Searches This Week That Led to my Site: "Dishwasher got a bacterial infection at work" -msn search. "Is Kelly Clarkson Pregnant?" -yahoo search "Kelly Clarkson Cleavage" - yahoo search "Polly Pockets Paradis" -google uk "Rachael Ray Panties" -yahoo search
Local News from the Wicked World of Jules:
My daughter Lauren has a list of about 30 rules posted on her bathroom door. Most are pretty basic, such as: flush toilet, wash hands, no smoking....etc. however, I found two rules quite amusing: Do not talk to inanimate objects. Do not get into tub unless you plan to use it.
Speaking of tubs, the other night I was taking a nice relaxing bubble bath, when Alex (the lil princess) came running into the bathroom crying. "What's wrong, pooh bear?" I asked. "My finger hurts when I put this on it" she said teary-eyed, handing me a clothespin. *sigh* Fun Stuff I Stole off the 'Net:
Olympic sex A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. "Why don't you wear Silver," answers his wife. "it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Dining out - Adult A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HANDJOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes" she purrs, "I am." The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Buying condoms A man walks up to the drugstore counter and asks for some condoms. The man behind the counter tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4. So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs him by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says,"Medium condom. Medium condom." Well the man is very embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condoms. Later, a second man goes up to the counter to get some condoms. The druggist tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4. Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,"Large condom, this man needs a large condom." The man is quite pleased, and goes to pick up his condoms. Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to buy some condoms for the very first time. He's told to go see Edna is aisle 4. Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,"Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."
And then there was that paint can!
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult! However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust andhad my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," advised the pastor. "We know," assented the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."
Meow. Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close, and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
I'm thinking in bed, Cause I can't get out Till I learn how to think What I'm thinking about; What I'm thinking about Is a person to be-- A sort of a person Who feels like me.
I might still be Alice, Excepting I'm not. And Snoopy is super, But not when it's hot; I couldn't be Piglet, I don't think I'm Pooh, I know I'm not Daddy And I can't be you.
My breakfast is waiting. My clothes are all out, But what was that thing I was thinking about? I'll never get up If I lie here all day; But I still haven't thought, So I'll just have to stay.
If I was a Grinch I expect I would know. But I don't think so. There's so many people I don't seem to be-- I guess I'll just have to Get up and be me.
Local News: Well yesterday I bought a pink Prada messenger bag on ebay in a moment of weakness. It wasn’t too expensive however, and I love messenger bags. I carry around a lot of crap so I have to have a big bag to throw everything in, and the cheap Old Navy one I have been using is about to fall apart. My sis Elaine won a webcam from road runner. I went over yesterday to hook the thing up and we got it working. Later on msn messenger Lauren and I witnessed her scratch her nose, chew her nails and smoke a really long cig. After we stopped rolling around in laughter, we told her what we had seen and she confessed that she thought that once she minimized the conversation window, we could no longer see her. I am glad we cleared that up before she did something worse. We watched Spanglish last night, I admit I enjoyed it but the ending was not satisfying at all. Tea Leoni’s character is just plain UNLIKEABLE which makes the ending suck even worse. I don’t get what Adam Sandler’s character ever saw in this woman. Also, note to Tea- quit jogging and eat something. You are almost as wrinkled as Cloris Leachman, and my guess is that the major reason is because your skin is lying directly over your bones. Women should have some cushin for the pushin. Poor David Duchovny probably gets bruises every time you guys have sex, from your bones jabbing into him. Eat a sandwich for God's sake!
Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net:
Children's Books That Never Made It 1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Bruce
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the Rotweilers
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
24. Used Toilet Paper and Your Babysitter
24. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
25. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock<> Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
He went there to learn how to give a good perm and ended up just crazy about nails so He opened up His own shop. "Nails by Jim" He called it. He was afraid to call it Nails by God. He was sure people would think He was being disrespectful and using His own name in vain and nobody would tip. He got into nails, of course, because He'd always loved hands-- hands were some of the best things He'd ever done and this way He could just hold one in His and admire those delicate bones just above the knuckles, delicate as birds' wings, and after He'd done that awhile, He could paint all the nails any color He wanted, then say, "Beautiful," and mean it. ___________________________
As Big Gay Al once said, "I'm super, thanks for asking!" Hope you guys have a fantastic weekend.
Song for the Day: Little Black Raincloud- Winnie the Pooh
Fun links of the Day: These are amazing. I bet it really sucked when it rained. Pot, meet kettle. Ashton Kutcher disses Keanu? Are you freaking kidding me? Ashton has no room to talk about bad acting. And I would rather watch Keanu in Matrix Part 75 than ANY movie with Ashton in it. I bethis folks are proud. Cat attack! More fun cat videos.
Local News from the Wicked World of Jules: I have the little princess with me at work today, her grandma was sick this morning. We stopped at the store and got fruit by the foot, dora the explorer cookies and chicken nuggets, and she is a happy camper. My dad just handed me an old insurance policy he got when I was born, and told me to do whatever I wanted with it. I got real excited, thinking of all the possibilities. That is until I opened it and discovered it is worth $592. Bummer. Yesterday I bought tickets to see Beauty and the Beast (the musical) in Raleigh next month. I figure we will leave early and make a weekend of it, stopping at the mall, some museums, etc. It will be good to get away. I found this great link to lots of free things to do in Raleigh: I’m sure this list is paltry to those of you living in big cities, but I live in the sticks and it looks exciting to me. My old friend Ralf from Austin TX (we haven’t been friends that long, he is just old) is going to be writing a self help book called The Road to Ralfness (I coined the title mwahaha) and its basic tenet is the belief that only through intense suffering (i.e. no air conditioning) and proper nutrition can one achieve inner peace. I might read it, but screw inner peace I want A/C.
Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net
Oxymoronic One-Liners · Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. · Death to all fanatics! · An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. · If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. · I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! · The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are. · Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever? · I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. · I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. · Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that? · Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. · Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else.
Help Wanted (Dumb Blonde joke) The local sheriff was looking for a deputy so a blonde went in to try out for the job. OK said the sheriff "What is 1 and 1?" "11" she said. Not the answer he thought, but she was right. So, he asked her what two days of the week start with the letter "T" She answered " Today and Tomorrow." The sheriff could not believe it. He was surprised again. So, he asked her "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" She thought about it awhile and said "I don't know." So, the sheriff told her to go home and think about it and come back the next day with the answer. The blonde left and met up with her girlfriends at the beauty salon. They were all so eager to find out how her interview went and asked her. The blonde said " It went great. The first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
DENTIST A man walks into the dentist office. After the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes," The man grabs the dentist's arm and says, "no way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!!!". So the dentist says,"Okay, we'll have to go with the gas "The man replies, "absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas!!!" So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here", he says. "Take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra" The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" "NO" replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth."
I’ve seen this many times, but its still damn funny:
Words Wished Were Not Spoken Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laughhysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance fromother patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" shewould be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, then I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell! was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...a true story... the female news anchor the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only! did HE have to leave the set but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
New!! Poem for the Day: to edumakate some of us who needs us some book learnin!
this is just to say by william carlos williams
i have eaten the plums that were in the icebox
and which you were probably saving for breakfast
forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so cold
I can only imagine how disappointed these folks must be after they click on my site :P The good news is apparently I am coming up on a lot of search results, which may eventually lead to some new readers, which could ultimately make my life feel worthwhile. After all, my sisters don’t even read this, which became apparent when one of them sent me a joke proclaiming how funny it was. I had posted it on my site a month ago. *sigh*
Local news from the Wicked World of Jules: I laid on my ass all weekend and watched tv.
Fun stuff I stole off the ‘net:
Theology, Kid Style 1. Dear God, please put another holiday betweenChristmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda 2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but whatI asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce 3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet 4. God, I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison 5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene 6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita 7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy 8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn 9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love,Dennis 10.Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan 11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma 12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer 13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy 14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter 15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry 16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark 17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha 18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara 19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny 20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles 21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that withthe moon? Jeff 22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank 23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas
Gender Based English-- I posted something similar to this previously, but this one is a bit different
WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No. No = Yes. Maybe = No. We need = I want. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. You're so...manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like. MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. I'm tired = I'm tired. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! I love you = Let's have sex now. I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Safe Smoking One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?" The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea." The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."
FBI Recruiting The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Fun Links of the Day: This great itemis for those of you who obviously have no freakin life and nothing better to do that take your cats out for a stroll.
There is absolutely nothing entertaining or exciting to report in the wicked world of jules, but I can tell you that I am so freakin glad it is Friday. You have no idea.
Fun Stuff I Stole off the Net:
Tax filing A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin,I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."" No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Knock knock A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Rude Bus Driver A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
